Little Ol' Ladies Betta Not See Me!!

^^^The brunettes:: (L-R) Meagan:Perla:Dajana:Kendra:Me

Perms suck. Or...do they blow? I've never understood the difference because they essentially mean the same thing, but either way perms are TERRIBLE. It's like, God decided to give hairdressers a taste of what the apocalypse will feel like, so in 1909 He invented perms. To fuck with us. Because that's the only plausible answer I can come up with as to WHY anyone would want one OR want to do one. They're ridiculously unhealthy for your hair...and if you have any previous color, you can just FORGET about a perm. Not to mention, they're the most tedious, time consuming things EVER CREATED. All of us (especially Kendra) almost shot our mannequins. Megan seemed to like it, so we've decided that when we go on the floor in February, if we have a perm and Megan doesn't have a full day, we're giving it to her. Hands down. I was cursing at that head more than I've ever cursed any inanimate object in my LIFE. There were things said that shouldn't be repeated. Even though our teacher (whose name is Melissa Meyer, btw) said it will be easier on actual people, I don't want to risk it. I have a mouth. And my face tells EVERYTHING. So that...will be interesting, to say the least.

Oh...so...before the Perm disaster day happened, we did shampooing and blowdrying. WELL. At this point, we've learned the correct way to shampoo, blowdry and straight iron hair. We'd just had a demo by Eric Fisher (I go to Eric Fisher Academy....) and he was talking all about how we need to focus on learning the correct way, and THEN we can deviate later after we're completely comfortable. So..instead of shampooing on our mannequins, we decided to shampoo each other. So we drew names out of a hat and I got Dajana. So she shampooed me, took me in the room, and started to blowdry. Now, she didn't section my hair correctly nor did she use the right brush for how short my hair is. When I asked her why (very politely, despite my grumpy mood), she said "This is the way I wanna do it" ------ .....okay. So I said nothing else, and when she "finished", I knew my hair wasn't dry. It was starting to curl up and it was visibly still damp. I was like 'Okay, okay...she's bound to put her hands in my hair and notice it's still wet' ---- NOPE. She picks up the 400 degree flat iron and proceeds to try to put it on my head. I FLIPPED a shit, jumped out of the chair and was like "If you put that straight iron on my hair, I swear to God I'll take it to your face." --- (I felt pretty bad after saying this, but the situation was a little...scary. I don't have that much hair anyway, and if she burned it off, I woulda killed her). So my teacher comes over and is like "what's wrong" so I told her, and she was like "holy crap" so she finished my hair herself.

Dajana is one of those girls...who is....really nice, but pretentious. She thinks she's right NO MATTER WHAT. She second guesses everything all the time, she's blatantly rude without necessarily trying to be, and she tells the longest, most drawn-out stories that pertain to NOTHING whatsoever..all the time. It's....ridiculous. *sigh* Oh well..c'est la vie.

I still love my school, regardless.

Four(ish) Words:

I. Love. My. School.





FIN.

.........

MAKEUP

I LOOKED LIKE AN 80'S POP PRINCESS!


and now I'm very sleepy....I feel old. Going to bed at 10:30 on a Friday night. What has become of my 20 year old existence. Oh yeah...........getting up at 5am every day will do that, I suppose. FML

Lurve Lurve.

Wax. Yes.

Yesterday...we waxed.

I'd never been waxed.

But I got waxed.

My eyebrows did.

And...

It stung.

BUT!

I liked it.

So whate'er.

I have pretty eyebrows now.

Annnnd...

Ima bout to pass out. So...

Fin.

Scream. Brilliant. BRUSHES?! Yes.

It has officially been too long since my smartass has graced the cyberworld of this blog. Obviously, I'm a Facebook freakazoid, but blogs...are very special things. Meant for very special people. A people who need people and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people...in the world. (Yes...I just quoted Barbara Streisand...I dare you to argue).
Anywhozits....since my last blog, I have left Lawrence, moved back to Salina-ish and have thus started cosmetology school at the Eric Fisher Academy in Wichita. It's okay.

....


PSYCH! I LOOOOOOOOOOVE IT! Its pretty much the most fabulous thing I've ever been a part of...well...you know, next to showchoir camp in high school. This is like showchoir camp...but every day....for more than a week....without breaking my ass every day! Bahahaha. No, but seriously, my teacher is about the cutest thing I've ever seen. She looks like a mini Lucille Ball....red hair and everything. Her name is Patti, and because of her diminutive size, we call her our Pocket Patti. Precious. She also won major cool points for naming her daughter after a Harry Potter character - Bellatrix Black. LOVE IT.

I only have seven people in my class....seven. It's small. I've got Perla, Alissa, Megan, Meagan, Dajana, Kendra, and me. Lemme just go through them...so you know who I'm talking about....

Perla is about 4'9, with crazy red streaks in her hair. She's Mexican and super quiet, but she's opened up and she's very, very sweet.

Alissa is the oldest of us, at 21...she's a single mother of the CUTEST 6 month old baby in the world. He's precious. She's really nice, very quiet, but EXTREMELY organized.

Megan is the ex-sorority sister. She went to K-State, then WSU, hated it, dropped out, and is now in cosmo school. She's kind of a bitch at first, but she's really nice. She can be rude at times, but I dont' really think anything of it because she's not necessarily snotty...she's just honest.

Meagan...oh gosh. She's a hot mess. She can't remember what you told her three seconds ago, she has to have everything repeated multiple times, and she has a hard time of hearing people...like, if we talk too fast, she gets totally lost. But...she's a sweetheart as well. She's totally genuine about it, and we can tell that it frustrates her...but sometimes, we just kinda wanna ring her neck.

Dajana (pronounced Di-yah-nuh) is originally from Germany, but moved over here when she was 5. She speaks, like, three languages (aside from English) and is working on a fourth. She's one of those socially awkward girls who has to grow on you, and she's grown on me. She's a good time.

Kendra is from western Kansas....Sylvan Grove, actually. She's SUPER funny, super sweet, and she sits by me, so we're becoming pretty good friends. She's the most down to earth of all of us, I think. And she's the only one without any artificial color in her hair.............yet. :))

The school is SUCH a good time. When we get there in the morning, we have to clock in with our handprint and then we have Lighting Round. It's when the ENTIRETY of the school gathers on the floor by the stage and has, like, announcements. And sometimes we have prizes or skits. Then we all break off to our separate classes and whatnot.

Our dress code is 80% black, but we can add color here and there. Every other Friday is jeans day, and every OTHER Friday is color day :)) So this Friday will be color day. And I'm excited!!

We got our kits last Friday...it was like Christmas! I have so many brushes and combs I don't know what to do with them! :)) I got a new blowdryer, straightening iron, two curling irons, six mannequin heads, and a WHOLE lotta other stuff. It's nuts! I love it!

Everyone is SOOOOO incredibly nice...even our business teacher, Cynthia. She teaches our business course NUTS & BOLTS. She's....fantastical. It's hilarious. She totally reminds me of Aunt Kathy, actually...it's great :))

Well...I'll be sure to post more stories on here as time progresses :))

LOVE LOVE

Employment

I got a job! Thank Allah. It's nothing super exciting, but it's for a call center. Ill be that annoying chick who calls you to ask if you want a magazine subscriptions and if you can be entered into a drawing to win A CRUISE!!!!! Right? Awesome. So I'll get hung up on, but I'll most likely get some terrible sap who can't help but say yes and I'll sell some magazines...which means my pay will go up...which is a GOOOOOOD THING. Even if I DON'T sell anything, I'll be making about $200 a week (paid weekly...and that's AFTER taxes)...so about $800 a month. Plus, if I sell, I get paid more. Which is awesome, to say the least. Money makes the world go 'round, as Liza and Joel would say. Oh, Cabaret, you make my life :) My hours are from 9:30-4:30 M-F...all weekends off. Sound good? Oh yes. I thought so. I start tomorrow...which probably means I should be sleeping. yep. I'll go do that.

G'night world!

My Blogemy

Yes. That's what I'm calling this blasted thing that invokes as much guilt as walking through an animal shelter knowing half of those beautiful dogs won't leave that horrid place.
Blogging is tedious. And a little time consuming. Not to mention, I'm such a control freak and perfectionist that I feel I should entertain as well as inform every time I write. My mom says I'm 'hilarious'...but I don't see it so much and it's all I can do not to over-analyze and re-read everything I write before I post it. You don't understand...I'm a lunatic when it comes to this. Which is probably why I try to avoid it at all costs. I think "hmm I'm tired", or "hmm...not tonight", or "hmmm I don't feel like it", or "hmmm maybe later." -- The self excuses never end. Kind of like a Bette Midler ballad....btw, Wind Beneath My Wings just KEEPS GOING. Don't get me wrong, the Divine Miss M is my role model, but honestly....how many times can you say 'fly' at the end of a song before someone goes "spread your wings, god damn it!"
On a more depressing note, I am still jobless. The Job Market (my other enemy...a close second to the blogosphere) is kicking my ass up and down and all around. It's...lovely. You'd think that I'd find something...anything!...by this point. But no. I can't find my purpose. As Princeton said in Avenue Q "I've gotta find my purpose..." -- granted, he was singing about it and he is a puppet...but that doesn't matter...doesn't make it less true.
I tried using italics up there...no clue if it will work. It had some strange code that inserted automatically when I pressed the little italic 'i'....and I was like "wait, wtf?...awkward."
Bed time! KU game tomorrow! Mimosa's and eggs at 8:30am! Woooo! ROCK CHALK.

Just a thought...

I cry way too easily. Especially when I'm alone. I need to work on that. It's depressing.

DIPWAD ALERT! DIPWAD ALERT!

Omigod. So. Dipwad (B.J.) e-mailed me all apologetic about how he pissed Monica and I off when he was here. I almost choked on the cereal I was eating when I read it. WTF? So I e-mailed him back and was like "yeah...you fucked up. end of story." --- no, but really, I actually was very nice and cordial and said "maybe we started off on the wrong food, yada yada yada...." blah blah blah blah blah I basically bullshitted my way through...mostly for the sake of Karen because she obviously loves this man and I'm willing to give him another chance. Monica, on the other hand, still wants to throw him over the balcony. To each his own.

I have come to a conclusion: I HATE TO BE COLD WHEN I'M NOT SLEEPING. It's really obnoxious because I can't fall asleep unless I'm cold but I hate to be cold. Take that as you will.

OH and I've also decided that I"m going to be a spinster with 20 cats for the rest of my life. I will not marry because men are stupid. YES! I SAID IT!

I also hate technology.

That is it.

The end.

Go to bed, you.

er...yeah. :)

New Apartment, New Adventure

So I know it's been a minute since I posted last, but for good reason: I'm lazy. Blogging is a kind of task I haven't mastered yet...much like 'studying' (it's like a four-letter word). But here I am, at 2:06am on a...Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, in the computer lab of my apartment complex (the reasoning behind that will be explained below), just finished up a work out, and figured "hell, why not." I'm obviously terrible at e-mailing, as most of you know, so blogging is like...a mass e-mail without the impersonality of a mass e-mail. (if that sentence made any sense to you, I congratulate your awareness...I'm half asleep).

About a week ago...a little more...maybe, like, seven days...something like that...REGARDLESS! A little more than a week ago, I moved back to Lawrence. With no job, virtually no money, and the little bit of faith I have left that I will be able to make it on my own for at least a semester. Pray for me? Please do. I need it. My lesbian Christina helped my mom and I move me into the apartment. Monica and Taja had already moved in, and Karen was to arrive the next day. I get to the complex (it sort of reminds me of a hotel resort, actually...luxurious pool, hot tub, waterfall, sand volleyball court, full basketball court, grills in the courtyard, rec room open 24/7, game room, computer lab, tanning bed, study rooms, and our own video rental spot...yeah, I think that covers it), go to the main office to get my key, have to sign all these ridiculous papers, get my parking permit, and head up to the apartment. It's in the building right next door to the main building, which is kind of nice when I'm doing these late night workouts, and on the top floor of the building. Elevator you say? No no...we're young. We have STAIRS. THREE FLIGHTS to be exact. Count 'em...three. Uno, dos, tres...three. SOOOOO we start moving. Thank god my OTHER lesbian Tori (...you can tell...gay pride EVERYWHERE in my group of friends) was there to help. She and Christina are like two little oxen ready to move the load up the mountain. And so they did. ...With my help, of course. Mom stayed upstairs and took on the task of doing the mound of laundry I was too lazy to do and pack. Yeah. I moved dirty laundry. Bring it.
Moving went relatively well, except that the dolly was POINTLESS because the stairs are so damned steep. It's definitely more of a two-or-three-stairs kind of thing...or...you know, flat surfaces. Three flights? Not so much. Christina took one...or...three..for the team that night. She slipped in the mud, dropped the TV, but no worries!!!! -- her leg broke its fall. She then proceeded to develop a heart shaped hematoma on her thigh. Lovely, right? So we get the damned TV upstairs to find out (lo and behold) it doesn't work. The picture tube is out. Awesome, right? I thought so. So the TV is just sitting on the TV stand...for decoration. Because until we get a new one, that's what it's serving since our living room looks like a psych ward at the moment. REGARDLESS.
So I get all my things inside, blah blah blah, and mom takes off for Tom & Linda's where she's going to stay the night and come get Christina in the morning to head back to Salina. We took showers and went to get dinner with Monica, Joel, Jessica, and a couple of Monica's friends at Chilis. (...oh...side note: Taja had gone home for the night to get more stuff) Yada yada yada, we eat, we talk, we go back to the apartment and decide "hey...we need a drink and then we can start on the room"...so...that's exactly what we did. We got a drink (a STRONG drink) and ventured in the abyss that was my room. The idea was to put the clothes away, and then move around the room so it was more open. Sounds simple, right? HAHAHAHAHAHA no. We did the clothes then proceeded to attempt to move the bed. It kept...well...BREAKING on us. The legs would just pop off. All but one did that until we got the damned bed moved to where we wanted it. Better not have any rough sex in that bed, I'll fuckin' break it. (no pun intended) ===== and I digress.
Somehow in the process of this entire thing, Christina managed to rip the back of her pants AND cut her toe. So now...she's got a hematoma, a cut toe (it bled profusely), and has ripped the only pants she brought with her. LOVELY. I owe her. You know...I owe her, like, blood. On the real.
Then we decide that...well...we're awesome so we're gonna keep drinking and stay up all night to finish decorating so I wouldn't wake up to an utter mess the next morning. So........we did. We stayed up until...like....7am finishing the damned room. (I'll post pictures later because I'm not on my computer at this time.) Sooooooo....Sunday: Christina leaves, Mom leaves, Monica and I have lunch, we go get Karen from the airport, we bring Karen back, Taja shows up, we make dinner, we're all unpacking and bonding, and then we go to bed.
Sunday night, apparently, BJ showed up. BJ is Karen's boyfriend whom none of us had met. He's from St. Louis and is doing an internship there writing for MLB.com following the STL Cardinals. (baseball...not my thing). Anyways..so...as the week progresses, Taja, Monica, and I bond pretty well. Karen, on the other hand, has been holed up with BJ (his name even makes him sound like a douche...I mean, really? His real name is Bobby Joe Raines.................................yeah. WTF?!) We met BJ (kind of) and we only saw him a handful of times even though he stayed in our apartment for, like, five days. Every time we DID see him, however, he was a complete DICK. He called Karen a 'fat ass' and made fun of her weight in FRONT of all of us AND Karen (she's, like, 5'8 and a good 140....WHAT THE HELL, THE GIRL ISN'T FAT AT ALL). He was totally snotty to Taja and rude to Monica and I. I about punched him in the face. If he comes back and says one fuckin' word about Karen's weight or ANYTHING EVEN PERTAINING TO HER WEIGHT I will tell him to get the fuck out of my apartment. I swear to god, he better be glad he's not leaving over the railing because I'm not above murder of douchebags. So we're already annoyed with him, and HER for that matter, because she's acting COMPLETELY not like herself. Karen is usually totally goofy, not scared of anything (besides commitement), try anything once, loud, crude, and open. But when he's around...even when he's NOT around (noticed it over the past couple of days) she's almost...creeeeeepy nice. She's demure and quiet and awkward. She's...not Karen. I kind of want to pull a Cher, slap her and tell her to 'snap out of it!'. So..then...wednesday (he has plans to leave Friday) he goes golfing with some of his buddies here in Lawrence so Karen has some time to spend with us. We're hanging out, talking, when BJ texts her. He and his buddies are going out to El Mezcal for dinner and he wants her to come. But she's already eaten, so she tells him no, to go have fun with his friends and she's gonna hang out here with her roommates. Well...he flips a SHIT and says "ohhhh I'm so sorry I"m such an inconvenience to your roommates, I'll just come back and get my stuff and leave, I'm sorry I ever came, I'll give my football tickets away, I won't come back" etc. Karen just falls apart...she starts BALLING...hardcore, like...it sounded like a bassett hound was DYING in her room. We were PISSED. So he comes back all nonchalant, like we don't know what's going on (dickface), goes into her room and three minutes later..................all is well!!! She acted like nothing ever happened! Ohhh it was all hunky dorey after that! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RIDICULOUS!!!! OMIGOD I WANTED TO SHOOT MYSELF!!!! She's in this verbally, emotionally abusive relationship and I can't say anything about it...she KNOWS he's wrong...SHE KNOWS....and she just said "well...I dont' know why I like him, but I do"------ when you DON'T know why you like someone, why you LOVE someone, SOMETHING is WRONG!!! DING DING DING!!! BIG FLASHING RED FUCKING LIGHTS SHOULD BE GOING OFF IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW!!!....ugh. It's enough to make a girl be asexual. Back to the weight thing, though, BJ is NOT small. He's overweight and extremely UNattractive, I might add. He's NOT the cutest...or even slightly adorable...at all. So he has NO FUCKING RIGHT to say anything about how Karen looks. She's gorgeous. I don't know who the hell taught him how to treat women, but they FAILED. EPIC FAIL, RAINES FAMILY, EPIC FAIL!

Well...while all of this is going on, Taja, Monica, and I are having a grand time bonding. We cooked our CA (Community Assistant) and his roommates dinner (which we're doing every week from now on), met some people, went to a pool party, got burned (damn it), played hide and seek in our little apartment (very challenging, but WICKED fun), had a craft project (we're getting a picture of the four of us blown up and hung on the wall and surrounding it with canvases we all individually designed with our names on them), and have had some interesting conversations. Taja and I have almost killed each other a million times (totally kidding always, but nontheless) and we've had a VERY good time :) We are all pretty much the same when it comes to values...we all don't mind doing dishes and cleaning up after ourselves, we keep our rooms neat, we pitch in for certain things, and help out all the time. It's a good time in our apartment. Tomorrow we're cooking steak and shrimp for the boys. We've learned to eat well on practically no money...it's interesting the things you can find in the clearance aisles.

My romantic life doesn't exist and I'm sooooo okay with that. A friend of mine from high school goes here now and we've had lunch and are going to hang out more, and yeah...I have a crush on him...just a little ;)...but I'm not even thinking about a relationship. I need to pay the rent before I can handle a boyfriend! :-)

Now...I'm getting a little tired. So I'm gonna go finish my laundry, put it away, and go to bed...big day tomorrow!

Teaching Nurses

So I have this theory. A theory that has been cultivated and nursed through many years of watching my mother deal with these new nurses straight out of school who have their BSNs or RNs but have virtually no idea what they’re doing in an actual health care setting. It’s my understanding that a BSN is a Bachelors of Science in Nursing. That means (at least, at the University of Kansas) that a person is to go two years of undergrad and then two years of ‘nursing school’. I have a need to put apostrophes around that phrase because I find it to be sort of a joke. I understand that the nursing students go through a series of clinical, but that doesn’t prepare them for the actual workforce…dealing with administration and such.
Anyways…my theory…
I would like to conduct a study of sorts. I’d like to take two future nursing students (student A & student B) and put them in two different situations. Student A will go to a regular university program, do her two years of undergrad and two years of nursing school. Student B, however, will do ONE year of undergrad (most classes geared towards nursing) and then spend the next three years doing a sort of “residency”, shadowing a seasoned nurse and learning on the job. Then, after the four years, I’d like for them each to go work for a week with a completely new staff of nurses. They’d work different weeks, of course, a week each. And at the end of the two week period, have that staff evaluate the nurses and determine which one was more prepared, if either, for the work force.
Mind you, there are variations of this idea possible:
A) The full four years in the work force.
B) Two years undergrad, two years work force.
C) Three years undergrad, one year work force.
The nurses teaching would have to be certified – most likely through something like a six-week course in instruction – and would be paid more for taking on a student. The student would also be paid. It would resemble the residency program doctors must go through when they get out of medical school, making minimum (something like $15-$20/hr) and learning all the while.
But this program wouldn’t only benefit the people wanting to be nurses, but it would benefit the nurses who only have their diploma. They could skip the undergrad part and shadow a nurse for a year and a half or so, depending on their experience (determined by a placement test) and, upon evaluation, could receive their BSN without having to skip work for school and being able to make a living as well. Obviously, asking a registered nurse to go from making $30/hr to $15/hr is very unrealistic (due to the economy) so they’d be able to keep their own job and do the shadowing as well, as most of it would be shift work anyway. Three days a week at their job, three days a week at the training…mostly just schedule juggling for the person.
Just an idea. Any thoughts? Maybe I’m way off base…

Happiness maybe?

As a preface: I'm only writing this as a rant. Not preaching, not being dramatic, but I started writing during class and this is what spewed out.


Somewhere, maybe parallel to this world, is a beautiful place where promises are kept, expectations don't exist, broken hearts are not as painful, and people actually have faith in other people. But that world seems to only exist in movies and the imaginations of writers, painters, and musicians. Our dreams hold more of what we truthfully want. Everyone needs to trust their subconscious, their "gut", so to speak. The fear of judgment is so great, so fierce, that almost no one is who they really want to be. But maybe we, as a whole, are not meant to be completely happy. Maybe we will always be searching for something better, something more fulfilling. It's almost sad to think about, though, because the idea that we'll always be striving in vain is morbid, to say the least. I think the greatest challenge anyone will ever face is to be happy and content with themselves. It's obviously much more difficult for some people, for personal reasons as well as societal standards.
"You must go to college."
"You must make a lot of money"
"You must get married."
Yada, yada, yada...
If I could count the times I've been "directed" to do something because it's what I "must" do to be "successful", I'd be here until I'm twenty five. We dont' have time to be frantic or in a rush. I know, that seems contradictory. "If you don't have time, get it done NOW!" But...if that were the case, I'd be an almost-junior in college probably studying something that will result in a career I'll end up hating by the time I'm forty. Given, a lot of people know exactly what they want to do, WILL graduate college on time, and will work and enjoy the same career for the better part of almost fifty years. Great, awesome, I'm jealous. But that's not the only option....life is short, yes, but if it's not enjoyable because of your high stress levels not only will you shorten your life, but it's just as much a waste of time as watching FOX News - you'll get nothing out of it! My best friend just started Cosmetology school in April and I'm so proud of her...she left college because she wasn't happy and wanted to do what she was born to do and I couldn't love her more. I, like her, know what it's like to say "I left college" and get those looks like "Failure, failure, failure..." but...we're not failures. We just know that when we're not happy, something needs to change. I'm not saying we're perfect, or that everyone should drop out, but it takes some courage to do that.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm thankful someone gave me an 'out' - let me know that it's okay to take my time, find out where my life is going, and enjoy being and discovering who I am. I'm not trying to say I know what I'm doing because I don't. No clue. My life is up in the air. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being somewhat of a mess because at some point it'll all come back down to earth and everything will be as it should.
Maybe in that separate universe, everyone can enjoy themselves without fear. But in the chaotic lives we lead, it seems almost impossible...but here's to dreaming.

"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." - John Lennon

Surgeon in Training? Maybe

Sorry for the long pause between posts, I've been lacking inspiration for anything to write about. But here I am, working on a worksheet about Preventing Infection. It's not for any credit, but my course teacher (CJ is her name) told us we should do it because Chapter 13 is kind of tough and lots of people's grades suffer with it. So I decided 'what the hell'. I did learn a new term though - medical asepsis: the practices used to remove or destroy pathogens and to prevent their spread from one person or place to another person or place. IN-TER-ES-TING. Annnnd we've been talking about AD (Alzheimer's Disease) all week, since most CNA's will end up in LTC facilities, and we learned the difference between Dementia and Pseudodementia. Pseudodementia presents like dementia, but it can be reversed because it's only caused by depression...usually occurs in older people suffering from a chronic illness. It might very well explain why Grandma gets confused and anxious sometimes. She's cooped up in that damned apartment...but I hear she's getting out and has gone back to PEO, so I'm sure her mind will be as sharp as ever soon enough. It's amazing how that woman recovers from everything. Watch her pass away of something common - like old age. I love her so much. Anyways, regardless, CNA training is going really well. I'm sooo excited to work in this field! I took some random career placement test online, to tell you what you'd be good at, and it said that my attention to detail lands me in two categories: medicine or art. (Insert 'WTF' look here) --- So I'm seriously thinking about taking this year to work in a hospital, see how much I like it, then go to JCCC (Johnson County Community College) and get my associates in Biology, then go back to KU and get a BA in English, take another year and work (maybe at Christ House? very much a possibility), and then apply to med school. I know, that's a lot of work, but I'm so freakin interested in this CNA class it's out of control. I just want to keep learning. I'm taking a Med Aide course next so I can administer drugs, which will be AWESOME. I come home and look up stuff I learned in class just to know more about it. WebMD has become my new best friend. Did you know Ovarian cancer is almost NEVER caught before Stage III?? You'd think technology would have moved up so we could detect things like that, but by the time it gets to Stage III it's a death sentence. So, so sad.
Apart from my crazy obsession with medicine at the moment, I've also met a new person. His name is David. He's an illustration major at KU, wildly talented, fantastically cute, and quite possibly the most honest person I've ever met. He's got this crazy dry sense of humor and a twinkle in his eye. He asked me on a date, so we're going to the movies on Friday...excitement major. I'll write and tell how it went.
Mama and Papa are still in VA....you know, chillin out and seeing EVERY family member they can. I swear they've been to Aunt Dor & Uncle Bill's fifteen times. It's fantastic. :) I miss them, though, strangely enough.
Anyways, I must be off to finish this packet...

FYI

I'd just like to state that when I fall in love, I want a love like Bella and Edward's from TWILIGHT. Passionate, unconditional, and hopelessly beautiful.

Girl Wonders

Girl has realized something. Maybe the reason Boy left her was not because he needed "time", as he so clearly explained, but because Girl didn't make him a priority. Whether it be out of fear or just pure stupidity, she never just buckled down and focused on him, even though she knew damn well that's what he needed. Boy was going to pick up his life and move to where Girl was, and Girl didn't even try to fight him about it. She just assumed he would always be there. Boy realized that his life needs to be important too, and Girl didn't want to admit that her entire life revolved around him. Reflectively, Girl realizes she should have at least *offered* to move to where he was so his life was equally, if not more, important....to show him that he really was the center of her life, as she had been his. Now, Boy has found someone who worships his every move. Girl supposes she should be happy for him, but that's really hard.

Girl Meets Boy

Let me preface this with a story:

Girl and Boy meet online. Boy is hopelessly witty, charming, and honest and creates a very strong bond with Girl almost instantly. Boy is in a relationship, though, so Girl stays neutral and in the "friend zone", although Girl realizes that she's falling for Boy rather quickly -- however, Girl understands and accepts that Boy is in a committed relationship. She never asks him to leave her or even think about it. She is nothing but supportive. This friendship, dripping with tension, goes on for the better part of three years. One day, Boy calls Girl to inform her that the a fore-mentioned girlfriend has left him for some strange man into Dom/Sub sexual crap in Chicago. He is mildly devastated (p.s. Boy has been with a fore-mentioned girlfriend for the better part of five years, so it's understandable). Girl doesn't really know how to react so she is supportive, as always, and lets him vent and talk as much as he needs. Throughout all of this conversation, Boy realizes that he's madly in love with Girl so he tells her. She, of course, feels the same way (even though she's known for a lot longer than he) and they start making plans for the future - he asks her to marry him, she says yes, etc etc etc. Then one day, out of the blue, Girl comes home from a family reunion to Boy telling her that his life is in disarray, he needs to fix it himself, and it's over between them. All in the matter of two seconds, her entire life came crashing down in front of her. Boy then proceeds to call her repeatedly, unsure of his decision, but then ends up cutting all contact. Girl is....to put it nicely....completely, hopelessly, and ravagingly heartbroken. It's hard for her to breath, let alone survive, without him. She goes into a deep depression, etc etc etc....(....you can fill in all the blanks, it's pretty clear she went to Hell and back).

Now, what I don't understand is the thought process behind Boy's decision. Not more than three months after, he is in a committed relationship with an 18 year old from New Hampshire, by the way. I don't understand why he didn't just tell Girl that he wasn't in love with her. And even if he WERE still in love with her and she was just doing something that he found disrespectful or grounds for breaking up, why didin't he just TALK to her about it? What I don't understand is how a person can go from being completely and incandescently in love with someone, ready to marry them tomorrow and produce beautiful children, to just walking away from that....how does someone just WALK AWAY from their feelings? I don't think I'll ever be able to understand how it is that people ignore their gut/heart and do what they 'think' is right. But when you love someone, right and wrong should just be chucked out the window and you should do what you FEEL. If you love someone, you just love them....no questions asked, unconditionally, and if you love them enough to MARRY them, you should be willing to work through anything, no matter the obstacle. It's almost like Boy got tired of trying, even though Girl was trying just as hard. And maybe Boy didn't love Girl as much as he said he did, although the e-mails and phone conversations would prove otherwise. I'd like to believe that Boy really did love Girl as passionately as it seemed and he just got....scared. Scared that he was going to bring Girl down, that he wasn't enough for her (as he'd previously stated in earlier conversations....which is where I'm deriving my theory). I'd LIKE to believe that.

It's almost a year later and Girl is still completely torn up about losing Boy. Why is this? Why can't she let go, understand he's with someone else, wish him well, and go on with her life? Oh it's Heartbreak, understandable, but heartbreak isn't exactly uncommon, right? So why is it every time Girl thinks about Boy her entire body crumbles and she wants to curl up in a ball and cry out of pure frustration and hurt that she can't be with the one man who fits the puzzle of her crazy life. So when Girl grabs a box of Kleenex, cookie dough, a sad movie, and curls up on her couch to cry herself into oblivion, God must be up there laughing at her pain. As she wonders how her life fell apart, He is chuckling with the strings.

You see, I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that Boy left Girl for a reason -- maybe to show that she, too, can survive heartbreak of the utmost level. (interjection: I do believe that heartbreak is the single most painful thing an individual can go through...survive that, you can survive anything) So maybe Girl still loves Boy for a reason. Maybe it's not quite over between them. Maybe the saga hasn't ended, it's just been delayed. I hope that Girl can either A) win him back with her undying persistence, or B) deal with it, move on, and stop trying to understand.

Here's to hopin' for Girl...her broken heart needs some serious duct tape.

Behind the Mask

It's been quite a while since I've written personally...my poetry has kind of taken over my blog! Silly girl, poetry is for emo kids. :) Not much is super new....I start CNA training on the 20th and I am really excited, but a wee bit nervous to be doing it all on my own. Mom got a new job in Virginia, so she and Dad (and the dog) leave Friday for three months. Crazy! I'll probably have to get my wisdom teeth out sometime in June or early July. Sick. Not excited. I met a new guy, but I'm not saying a word about it yet, so don't even ask.

That's pretty much it for now, I'm on my way to the movies with the afore-mentioned guy. So....goodnight! I'll write later.

Faith (04/12/09)

Your eyes wander sadly
I can feel your fear
Lacing my fingers with yours
So you know I'm here.

You're frozen, so scared
Not knowing how to jump
But I'll be beside you
To provide a little bump :)

We gaze into the abyss
Of the vast unknown
I'm jumping with you, dear -
You are not alone.

Let's go on an adventure!
The Excitement pleads
We'll face it together
Wherever it leads.

So unglue your feet, Freebird,
And spread your wings
Listen to the voice beside you
As she calmly sings:

Have faith in me, love
I have much in you
There are no limitations
To what you can do.

Let us fall freely
Into a world of understanding
Hold tight to me, darling -
Together we'll be landing.

Goodnight Love (04/07/09)

Lay your head on my shoulder
And forget about the day
All your worries and fears -
I'll kiss them away

Breath slowly
Calm your nerves
Wrap me in your arms
And hug every curve

I'm all the solace you need
When you come home at night
Enveloping you in my warmth
Melting away any fight

And after you fall asleep
I'll find comfort in your peace
Closing my eyes
On life, you are my lease.

Then when you wake with a start
For me, your eyes looking
I'll be right by your side
To face another morning.

New Love (04/05/09)

Feeling the warmth of his body
So near to mine
I reach for his hand
And trace every line.

His breath slows still
Body relaxing
Just some of his trust
Is all that I'm asking.

Eyes falling to mine
I watch as they plead
He presses his body
Conveying the need.

Pressing my lips
So firmly to his
I give over myself
And promise him this:

There's beauty and hate
Love and regret
But this one life
Is all that we get.

So I'll love you tonight
Tomorrow and ever
And keep you smiling
With all that is clever.

And if you will not smile
I'll kiss you all over
So you're aware
I'm all yours forever.

Opened Eyes (04/05/09)

Tunnel vision
As I stare at your face
Stone feet
As I struggle in place

Cold hands
When I touch your skin
Dead heart
When I whisper my sin

-And then one day I realize I'm better than this-

Sweeping gaze
Taking it all in
Deep breath
As I somehow begin

Warm hands
As I pull from your eyes
No tears
As I tell you goodbye.

Goodbye (04/03/09)

Taking a deep breath
I turn from your gaze
Feeling your eyes on my back
Through a teary haze

Finding the way
To utter those words to you
Wasn't a small task
But I deserved to be true

So as I say my goodbye
My feet grow heavy here
Not knowing what I am without you
But ready to face the fear

I'll love you without question
I'll speak to you without lies
But it's time to let go
Of the girl who always cries.

Waiting for a Rainbow (04/03/09)

There's a beating in my heart
That sounds faintly like a drum
Frantically pounding away
I try to make it slow
I try to make it stop
But strong it seems to be

(Waiting for your reply)

Will you tell me yes
Or will you just back down
Proving all your lies
Were truths all along
Will you smile at me
OR will you just turn away
Pardon me, but I'm still waiting.

I force myself to breath
One toxic breath
Smelling you from across the room
It's a scent so sticky
So hot and so sweet
That it makes me weak in the knees

(Waiting for your reply)

*Chorus*

Somewhere over the rainbow
I see skittles and my pot of gold
You standing there with a smile so bright
Shattered by a broken mirror.
RPTx1
(Waiting for your reply)

End (03/18/09)

I stare at you with no remakr
You disregard my silence
My eyes burn into your heart
You then start a sentence...

Begging me to speak
You reach out your palm
I stare down at it blankly
Wanting to hold it all along...

But it's time now for me to go
And say my final goodbye
To the man I loved so many times -
I struggle not to cry...

For it is neither his fault nor mine
That we shall never be
God has taken that chance away
As we begin to see

That we will love each other
Until the end of time
But our love cannot exist -
It can only rhyme.

Morning, O Morning (03/17/09)

Morning, O Morning
When dreams fade into night
Morning, O Morning
I welcome you with light.

Sun, O Sun
Shine in on me so bright.
Sun, O Sun
Such a friendly sight.

Birds, O Birds
Chirping cheerily so
Birds, O Birds
Perched up on the highest Bough

Morning, O Morning
There's love in your surrender
Morning, O Morning
Kiss my face so tender.

Love/Hate (01/2006)

You make me hot and tired.
You infuriate my very soul.
You ruin all my expectation
Of achieving any goal.
You blind me with your indifference.
You bury me with your hate.
There's no way around your body;
No key to unlock this gate.
I'm trapped here next to you,
Staring at your being -
Knowing just the frustration
Isn't all I'm seeing.
I raise my eyes to yours so deep -
It bothers how you know me.
I open my mouth to scold you -
Yet with a kiss, closed it shall be.
You disarm me with your passion.
You sooth me with your hands.
I can't resist your boyish charm -
I'm one of your biggest fans.
I love you without question
And speak to you without lies.
For who could hate such a man
That makes her feel so alive.

Small Absence (03/17/09)

Alone in the darkness
I reach out for your hand
Only to feel the emptyness
Of the rustling sheet beneath my palm.

It brings me back to the night you lay
So quietly in my soothing arms
And whispered all your dreams to me
And held me til the early morn.

Now you're gone away for a while
I miss you every second, dear
So hurry back into my bed
So I can hold you tight.

In a world where small absence lay
We must hold onto thoughts
To make it through one more minute
Until we see each other again.

Your Eyes (03/17/09)

Something in those eyes so dead
Reminds me where my heart has gone.
Somewhere in this world so vast
Love escapes my sorrow song.

And til t he day we meet again
I will be impatient then;
Slowly waiting for demise,
So I can smile back in his eyes.

Even the Man in the Moon Disappeared

I'm sitting here, staring at my all-too colorful walls in my all-too cheerful room, thinking about the curveballs life has thrown at me lately and I'm not too happy with whoever it is that's calling the shots. My love life is, again, in annoying turmoil -- mostly because I tend to fall for people who can't get over their own fears, while I, on the other hand, probably am scared of damn near everything BUT love. Which...is...kind of awkward, considering. Maybe I just have too much faith in people....too much hope...but then again, hope and faith in others is what binds me - it's what makes me tick. I value my relationships with other people more than anything -- more than any job, any grade, any commitment...and that's seriously the hardest thing ever. It hurts like hell when I even remotely let someone down who's been relying on me or needs me or wants me -- most of the reason I'm terrible at saying 'no' to people, I suppose. And I'm scarily optimistic about it too...like, if I love someone, that's it. No holds barred. I will endure, I will work through, I will handle most anything life can throw at me because I believe...maybe naively...that love can make it through anything. Anything but loss of love, I gather...because when you fall out of love, that's like rediscovering yourself. You shouldn't regret it -- unless the one you loved was a real asswipe and you're JUST realizing that -- but should learn and grow from it so that the next person you love can benefit from your rediscovery as well, hopefully making the relationship stronger. *sigh* I'm just babbling now.
I'm also getting the itch..the itch I've been trying to avoid since I graduated...you know...the 'marriage' itch. I'm not saying I want to walk down the aisle tomorrow, but I'm finding myself, when analyzing men, wondering if I could potentially spend the rest of my life with them. I guess I'm just ready for some semblance of stability at least in one aspect of my life. And what better one than the one that drives me most? I'd love to erase that question mark in the LOVE category and just have it shaded in solidly. That would be....euphoric. I think I'm backwards, though, because all of my energy is naturally focused on finding someone and THEN on everything else...when, if society ruled, it should be the other way around. I should be focused on making myself better and all that before focusing on finding someone, but...I need people. I like the feeling of being able to come home to someone, to crawl into bed with someone and talk or just lay there, to have someone I can always count on for things -- emotionally, mostly. Dont' get me wrong -- my friends are fabulous, they're amazing and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but....there's something lacking. Something...more intimate, I suppose.

"Lovers are very special people. They're the luckiest people in the world. With one person, one very special person. A feeling deep in your soul says you were half now you're whole." - PEOPLE by Barbara Streisand

Hmmm...leave it to me to throw in Streisand. Lame.

St. Patrick's Day Frenzy Take Two

St. Patrick's Day Frenzy

I had a party on St. Patty's day...here are some of my fav pics :)

Petty Impatience

I...wrote...a song. Or, at least, my pathetic attempt at a song. The melody reminds me of something Paramore-ish, but it's yet to be decided on.

Petty Impatience

You keep saying there's a place for us
But all I see is endless night.
I want to believe you when you
Look at me with that smile bright.
But how do you expect me to
Wait any longer? (Wait any longer)
-chorus-
Don't mistaken my words for petty impatience
I'd wait til hell for you.
But if hell's where I'm going
I need to know you waited too.
**
Your subtle lies are heartbreak's art
Fooling me with every stroke.
Yet somehow I find a way to say
I'm sick of being alone!
-chorus-
Don't mistaken my words for petty impatience
I'd wait til hell for you.
But if hell's where I'm going
I need to know you waited too.
**
-bridge-
Don't look away (don't look away) Don't turn away (don't turn away)
Tell me what I want to hear (that you love me)
Or watch me walk..out..that...door.
(And when I do you'll see your heart on the floor)
-chorus-
Don't mistaken my words for petty impatience
I'd wait til hell for you.
But if hell's where I'm going
I need to know you waited too.

Sunset in Belleville

It's Wednesday evening. I've been struggling as the new primary caretaker for Grandma since Sunday night, and Lord knows it's been interesting. The first twenty-four hours scared me a little because Grandma was a little disoriented, which I'm now crediting towards her being so tired from her hospital stay. But she's a little trucker. She can do 90% of things by herself, especially since she has that reacher that allows her to get dressed, put on her shoes and socks, pick up things off the floor, open drawers, and use in general. She's also managed to be able to put herself to bed with all her pillows, go to the bathroom by herself, and even put pot pies in the oven. At mom's willing, I've been kind of sitting back and letting her do things by herself unless she asks. She is still kind of achey, but that's to be expected, and her Tylenol ExtraStrength and Morphine is really doing the trick, although the home-health lady suggested she take Darvicet (sp?) before bed to help her sleep. She can't get comfortable at times because of the ache, but last night she fixed herself one drink which relaxed her enough to sleep through the night and she looks much better today. She's been eating well, usually a piece of toast with peanut butter and an ensure during the day (she naps most of the afternoon) and either macaroni and cheese or a pot pie at night, which she eats usually about two thirds of. Honestly, I'm not worried about her.

Me, on the other hand, I'm a little worried about. My patience is not exactly my biggest virtue. Grandma said I'm "sooo patient", and I told her she's probably the only person who thinks that. Anyone else, including myself, would say I'm one of the most impatient people in the universe. I'm one of those people who talks pretty fast and does things pretty fast and I try to do them by myself, so it's hard when things are thrown into slow motion. And I'm realllllyyyyyy contemplating NOT doing CNA training...the more I look at it, and the more I look at cosmetology and talk to people in the business (my hairdresser, my old hairdresser from Salina, Amanda [going to cosmo school in April]) the more I really want to do it. But I want to come at it from more of the artistic side and there's this spectacular school in Kansas City that focuses on artistic hair, portfolios, and even does job placement, which is a huuuuge deal. I've gotten all kinds of information from them over the last couple of months because I was really looking at cosmo schools, but I let myself think that CNA training is the more "practical" route. Which is stupid. It's exactly what I DON'T want to do. I know it would make everyone just sooo happy if I just got a license, got a job, and worked. But...I really want to jump on this ball. I think it's the right choice, and the more I think about it, the more I get excited about it. Mom is totally against it, which I understand because she thinks I'm just going to quit. In all honesty, I don't really give a shit what she thinks. I need to do something artistic and since we can't afford a conservatory, I have to figure it out somewhere else. I'm not talented enough to get in an art school, I'm not a dancer, I'm already in an opera studio, but not quite seasoned enough to audition for schools (not that we can afford it anyway) --- Hair is something I've always loved, always wanted to be a part of, but it never really seemed like an option. If I could, I'd get my CNA training, sign up for hair school, try to get my parents not to claim me so I can get financial aide, and just do it. But mom is SOO livid about me even asking about it. Yes, I was semi-excited about going to KU this semester, but I mostly made that decision because I had to live in Lawrence anyway, so why not go to school. I thought "hey, maybe I can do this....maybe I can handle this" ---- yeah, right. Not even close. I'm not an academic. I've dealt with that. Whatever. But if they (mostly mom) think that there's not pressure to go to school, they've got another thing coming. I mentioned hair school before, mom shot it down, talked me into CNA training, it seems an easy way out, but damn it-- I don't want to lose myself in healthcare like she did. Seems ridiculous. Hair school feels right to me. That's all there is to it. I dont' care how many people 'believe' me or have 'faith' in me. That's how it is.

Leap of Faith

The last post was kind of grim, but all is well :) We talked, we kissed, we agreed, and we're okay. I dont' much feel like writing right now because I'm exhausted and my fingers aren't quite keeping up with my brain at the moment because it's all over the place. Just wanted to let you know everything is fine :) I'm happy

Moment of Truth

Today has the potential of being the worst (or best) day of my life thus far. I've been going back and forth over the last couple of days deciding whether to take this leap of faith, but I think it's time I just stand up for what I want and give a much needed ultimatum. Tonight, I'm going to Manhattan to talk to Dean. I need to know where we stand, what his feelings are, and (most of all) what we're doing. Even though we've broken up, we're still in that weird limbo of acting like we're dating, but we're not. So when people ask how my "boyfriend" is, I say "oh, he's fine" and in my mind I'm going Wait, he's not my boyfriend...what the hell.
Essentially, I'm going to sit him down and ask him to humor me, to listen, and if I ask him a question, to be as brutally honest as possible. Then I'm going to ask him a few questions -- questions I've been wondering about for quite some time, but just didn't want to ask (mostly for fear of the answer). And then, depending on how that goes, I'm going to flat out ask him if he loves me. Because if he does, we need to make this work. I don't care about the title, I dont' care if he introduces me as his friend or his girlfriend or whatever, but I need to know that we're in this together. That I'm not alone and that it's not one-sided. But if he doesn't, then I will walk away and he'll never see me again. Hmm...never is a strong word, but it's the one I'm choosing for now. Being his friend hurts much too much. He ruined that when he mentioned one word about loving me. So I have to stand up for myself, tell him how I feel, give him an ultimatum, and if he chooses the latter...I need to walk away, cry, and proceed to get over him. Because right now, he's not even being a good friend and that breaks my heart more than anything.

A First

So...last night. Hollyyyyy cow. Last night was the huge BSU (Black Student Union) party at the Granada on Mass street. We (Karen, Monica, Sammie, Alex, & I) decided that we would go and have a good time. But, because I'm constantly the DD, we asked Sammie to be the driver so that I could drink. And....God...did I drink. I had approximately 12 shots in about 45 minutes. I was SMASHED. Now, remember, I've never actually been drunk. I've never actually even been TIPSY, so this was all very new to me. I don't remember most of the pictures we took, actually. And that was before we even went to the party. *sigh* And then apparently I made Karen text AND call Dean and tell him how lucky he was to have me and how she doesn't understand why he won't just love me like he wants to. But he told me she called at least three times -- I was only present for one of those times. Monica called him too, I apparently talked to him, and she asked him if he loved me. I don't remember asking her to do that at all. And apparently I cried? So I guess I'm going to classify myself as an emotional drunk --- definetly. I was sooooo crazy.
Anyways, I'm still very very tired and not thinking quite clearly so I'm going to go sleep and write more tomorrow hopefully

Daddy's Girl

I have a new-found respect for my father. These past couple of days, I've doing all but tearing my hair out about mom's crazy-high stress level, the fact that she's asked me to be in Belleville four out of seven days of the week, and that I've had a constant migraine since...well...Saturday. And of all people....Dad has been the sane, calm one. He calmed me down and let me vent about mom, he talked to her about everything, and then he calmly told me what mom FLEW off the handle about. You see, I have this automatic wall -- it tends to appear when people start acting/reacting irrationally when it's very plausible for them to answer normally, but they choose not to because they can't control their own tempers. So it appeared to the 'nth degree when mom flipped about me not wanting to be up in Belleville so much and how I don't really understand the point, especially if Grandma is going to be in assisted living. Which I still don't understand the point. I'm more than willing to go up there once a week for a couple of days or a night or something, but Monday through Thursday, in the middle of a show, almost four hours away from where I live, PLUS starting CNA training -- it's making my head spin. She told me if I don't do the Grandma thing, I need to support myself (car insurance, food, gas, lessons, etc.) which I try to understand...**key word: try**...and I would be fine doing that, but she makes it sound like the family is going to disown me if I choose that path. So I'm stuck between a rock and hard place, and either path I choose I'm pretty much screwed. C'est la vie.
I came back to Lawrence today....oh goodness, it was AMAZING to be back. Back in the swing of things, with my ridiculous friends. I have a lesson tomorrow that I'm completely not looking forward to. I was supposed to have one of my songs memorized last Monday, but I was in Salina and didn't go to a lesson and was at the hospital (when I wasn't sleeping), so I didn't even LOOK at my music. Bahhh.....kill me now.
Anyways, that's pretty much it for now....I'm going to bed. Ah, the sounds of the dorm on a Thursday night -- beer pong, drunkenness, and people being thrown into walls. Gotta love it.

A Few Thoughts

Just thought I'd post a few pics....Conor and Caden, Manda and I, and Karen and I. You know, I don't write a lot about my friends. I'm not sure why. They're a huge part of who I am right now...especially Amanda and Karen. Mand has watched me fall completely apart and never wavered as my best friend. She never questioned my ever-changing sanity, she never told me to 'suck it up', and she never really asked that dreaded question: "Are you okay?" --- She's been my shoulder to lean on, my human Kleenex, and my sister throughout all of this crazyness. I love her dearly :) --- And then there's Karen (aka Kare-Bear). That girl....gah, if you've ever seen FINDING NEMO, and you've seen that blue fish Dori (the one voiced by Ellen Degeneres [go figure]), that's Karen in a nutshell. She's hella smart, hella funny, but definetly one of the deepest people I've met in a long time. She's truly genuine and I know I can talk to her about anything. We've been through some times, but we've always been very honest with each other about our feelings, our fears, and our issues. I've been really lucky to have someone like her around. Then there's Dean --- what to say about him, eh? He's...the cheese to my macaroni? Haha, but seriously, life would be maddeningly boring without him. Granted, if I never had him I wouldn't know what I was missing, but you get my drift. He's quite intelligent, but he challenges me. He doesn't let me just say "whatever" and "it's up to you" and "i don't care" --- and he's never once let me lie to him. I guess it's kind of a double-edged sword, though....he can tell every single feeling just by looking at me, and sometimes it peeves me because I don't WANT him to know everything, yet he does. It's a very big part of why I love him so much...he's like the yin to my yang.
Gah, it makes me a bit emotional even talking about the people I care about because....well, they're like my little version of a family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and they're great, but....it's a different dynamic with people you aren't related to. I'm not sure why, it just is. I guess it's because you're learning new things all the time...it's like a never-ending process, but a very exciting one filled with laughter and craziness!

Be like Nike: Just Do It.

Again, here in the hospital. I'm getting sadly used to the drone of hospital machines, and I've settled about being here with Grandma. She needs me. And I need to be here. Not just for Mom, Kim, Chris, Kathy, etc...but for me. I know I'd just hate myself if something happened and I wasn't there because I didn't "feel" like it. Ha. That would be something I would do...just not feel like it. Don't know how many things I haven't felt like doing that I just blew off -- like go to work. I think I've lost three jobs because I just didn't feel like getting up and going to work. Real responsible, Melissa. Good job. *rolls eyes*
I finished my book(s)...IN LOVE. Totally. It's a series called HOUSE OF NIGHT...about a Vampyre finishing school. Amanda lent me the first two out of the 5 book series, and I devoured them in less than 24 hours. Now I've been through all four (the fifth comes out March 10th) and I'm actually psyched for a book release date that ISN'T Harry Potter...how bizarre!! I'm thinking about starting the Twilight series (see what all the hype is about) in the mean time. Hopefully I don't mix up Vampyre stories. Yumm...I love books.
I also have a newfound love for cereal. Frosted mini wheats, to be exact. They're so sweet and delicious. Plus, they get me to drink some semblance of milk...which I hate.
This week is going to be quite interesting...Grandma gets transferred back up to Belleville tomorrow where I suppose she'll be in the rehab unit for a few days more. I'm going to follow her up and get her settled, go make sure the cat and the apartment are okay, and then come home. Mom and Dad should be back late tomorrow night, in which case mom will then go up to Belleville on Wednesday and I will take a day off then scoot myself back to Lawrence on Thursday. Marilyn's show opens this weekend (H2$) so we're going to see it. Plus, our really good friend Luke is the assistant director and we've had to watch him have a daily meltdown about the entire thing -- he's starting to talk like his mother, with this high-pitched voice that makes you want to punch a baby. But I have to say: his re-enactions of his mom's freak-outs are the most priceless thing I've ever seen. They make me want to go visit him in Scotsdale, AZ, just because.
Anywho, three more hours and I'm going to go home and sleep for a while....yummmm.....

"Good Hand Washing"

The title. It's a sign that I'm staring at. It's over the sink in the hospital, as I lay/sit here awkwardly in front of the cracked bathroom door, basking in the light while Grandma talks clearly in her fitful sleep in the hospital bed not four feet away, my mind racing with a million thoughts. So much...so much has happened, I can't process. I don't even know if it registers as reality, despite the hot tears running down my cheeks that say otherwise. I feel this nagging need to run away. To just...disconnect from everyone and be truly alone. But then again, that's preposterous. I love too hard to just walk away from everyone. The place I've called home for the past six months doesn't even feel real anymore. It feels...wrong. Something is wrong. There's a bad omen about that place, however dearly I love the people in it. And I do....Monica, Karen, Gena, Rachel, Marilyn...I love them. They're my peoples. But...when I'm there...I feel...disconnect. I feel like I don't actually belong there. I feel like I'm watching myself try to hold onto this life that I'm not meant for. But what is the alternative? Moving back in with my parents, being driven half mad by their irresponsibility, and feeling more alone than ever. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I don't feel like I have a home. I know I have a house, in Salina, but...it doesn't feel like home. Especially since my parents are never there together -- sometimes I feel like I'm in some twisted version of a divorce where my parents spend a couple of weekends together a month and get along in an equally twisted way. And, I this is very conceited and selfish, but I don't want to be involved. I find myself resenting this entire situation with my Grandmother because I had plans next week -- because I have lessons and things that can't keep being put off. The sensible side of me keeps reminding me "it's family. It's your Grandmother. You have to do this. You have to step up to the plate and make Kimmy proud. You have to be supportive and willing to sacrifice." And then in comes the artist, the dreamer saying "run away. Just walk away. Leave it all behind, start a new life, disconnect." It's like this war inside of me fueled by readiness to be on my own. To find my own apartment and pay my own bills and start my own life with a dog (or a cat) and my beautiful friends and my own fun, quirky, dysfunctional world. God, this is all just babble...babble about nothing. About things that can never be, that never will be. I'm not crazy, I'm not completely irresponsible, and I've got the worst guilty concious of anyone I know...so I'm not going to disconnect. I'll stay right where I am....here. In this hospital room. Getting lost in my vampyre books, the smell of ammonia, and dreams of leaving all of this behind. Life is tiring, I've decided. It just....sucks everything out of you until you can't breath, can't sleep, can't eat, can't function. You just...exist. There's a quote I included in Dean's valentine's gift --- "It is rare to live. Most of us just exist." --- Damn it, I want to live. I don't want to just exist. I don't want to walk through my day after day like a droning hospital monitor that hums every once in a while and loses itself in normalcy. I find every reason to leave Lawrence, to leave Salina, to not go back, to just travel around and see people and sleep on couches (or beds, in Joel's case....Kyle's house is just too flippin big), and shower wherever...like a nomad. I like being a nomad. I like waking up in the morning and saying "hm. I think I'll go to Salina today. But I'm going to stop in Manhattan on the way and see some people and maybe I'll stay there for a day or two, who knows, and then I'll go on to Salina and maybe jaunt up to Wichita or Hays or WHATEVER"--------I love that. I love that adventure. And it lets me see people in a whole new light. When I'm in Manhattan, seeing Joel...Dean...Dru -- I don't have the obligations ... to let my roommate know where I am, to include other people, to blah blah blah...I can just...focus on them. Really talk to them. And cherish the time I get to spend with them since it isn't every day. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my time with my friends in Lawrence --- but sometimes it isn't the same. I love Monica...but lately, it's like we don't even converse....we don't exist in a coinciding reality, it's just this....clash of beings. But Kare-bear...I know I can always count on her for a good conversation, a fun adventure, a huge laugh, and a shoulder to cry on...she's always there. And it never wavers. I love that. I hope I'm that for someone else. I just hope I'm SOMETHING to someone else. Bah...now I'm babbling again. I don't remember why I'm even writing this right now. I haven't a clue where my mind is....probably stuck somewhere in the walls of this hospital, tearing to get out.

Skittles

So many possibilities. I'm full of sooooo many possibilities. It's 4:23am...I've been laying here since 2am just thinking. I can't sleep, so random thoughts have crept into my brain and made nests where they continue to procreate and infiltrate even my deepest dreams. Inside this jumble of thoughts, I got lost in the lies. I've told a web of awful lies in my adolescence that would make a grown man shake his head with pity on my pour soul. I don't remember how many, what most of them were even about, or who I told them to...I can't even remember why. So I asked myself that question: why. Why did I say those things? Why do I feel the need to make up stories to cover up my own indescretions? Sometimes, it's not even about indescretions. It's about making my life more...interesting. In all honesty, my life is very easy. I'd like to pretend it's some soap opera screenplay. I make a big deal out of minute instances because I have nothing else to say. I don't talk about my dreams or my quirks or my observations because I believe, truly, that no one cares to hear. It might all be crazy talk -- talk of loving harder than I can imagine, of being content to just live for other people, of wanting to own a farm, have a horse, travel the country, sing whenever I want, and just become this person...a person who wakes up every morning eager to greet the day's potential beauty. Even when it's raining, I smile. Not because it's funny, but because it's so...perfect. I think things, even people, are most honest when they're at their worst. When the world is closing in around them and the rain doesn't seem to let up. I feel sorry for pavement. It gets walked on, driven on, rained on, snowed on, iced on, beaten, cracked, spilled on, spat on, and lain on....and yet, it's still there. Day after day, waiting to do it all over again and serve it's purpose. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to just...sit around, day after day, waiting to serve my "purpose", or lack therof, as a human being. I don't want to be the A-typical twenty year old who goes to college, drinks every weekend, and avoids all sense of reality. I don't want to be shoved into any one direction by any one person. I've always had a problem with authority. Some would tell me that's a vice, not a virtue, and that may be. But it's part of who I am. I've always questioned why I'm being asked to do something --- why do I have to do this assignment, why do I have to sing that particular song, why did you cast me in that role, why did you choose me to double date with you, why are we friends, why do you even like me, why did you ask me that, why, why, why. I want to understand the inner workings of people's minds, and I'm not talking about psychology. I'm not talking about blaming attraction on pheramones or diagnosing bipolar disorder. I'm talking about truly being interested in those thoughts that never get expressed. The ones people think while they're driving alone on the highway, while they're laying in bed at night, while they're walking down the hill on campus, while they're sitting in their favorite chair, while they're alone. I, for one, have some of the most random, exciting, optimistic, dreamy thoughts while I'm alone. I think up scenarios in my head for certain situations. I play out how things could have been different if I'd just said what I wanted to say in the given situation. I have rhetorical conversations -- yes, out loud -- with people I wished I'd had those conversations with. I say things to people that I want to say to them in reality, but it stays within the four walls of my bedroom (or car, most times). I dream of going to Disney World and meeting Belle, I dream of watching the ball drop in NYC, I dream of just taking a cross-country road trip with a few friends and watching the sun set over the the Rocky Mountains. I think about what it would be like to watch a Broncos game, to make love under the stars, to meet Barbara Streisand, to sing for Barack Obama, to sink my toes into the ocean, to touch a killer whale, to listen to a baby's -- my baby's -- heart beat, to have a simple sort of love without question or expectation, to walk onto a Broadway stage, and to kiss the sky. I can't comprehend why these things are so questionable...why I can't do them all. People ask me what I want to do...."what do you want to do with yourself, Melissa?"...and the easiest, most truthful answer I can come up with is..."everything. I want to do everything." I want to go to cosmetology school, I want to be a CNA, I want to be a nurse, I want to act, I want to direct, I want to sing, I want to love, I want to run, I want to travel, I want to experience live in the most divine form I can. I don't understand what is so wrong with all of that. They look at me like I'm crazy, like I've fallen off of my hypothetical 'rocker', that I've kicked the can. But I'm twenty! I've got so much time to do all of these things. I understand money is an obstacle, but it's an obstacle that is maneuvered and manipulated daily, so I don't see the problem. I am fairly pessimistic, but it's derived not from my own persona...but from my environment. I've grown up thinking I 'can't' do this and I 'can't' do that -- simply because of inane reasons (money, time, etc) that make absolutely no sense in the scheme of things. I was watching TV (something I don't do often) and a Skittles commerical came on -- it ended with it's famous slogan "Taste the Rainbow". I've seen the commercial close to a million times and have never given it a second look. But it couldn't be more right. I'm sure I'm taking it completely out of context because the Skittles advertising team probably didn't think as deeply into it as I'm about to delve, but --- taste the rainbow. Taste every color, every inch, every possibility. Possibility is the key word here. A lot of things aren't probable, but it's up to us...as individuals...it's up to me to make the improbable POSSIBLE! To quote Rogers and Hammerstein's Cinderella, "It's possible...for a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage." The answers, the 'shoulds', are staring us right in the face and none of us, especially I, are ready to meet its eyes. I'm a good person. I can make no 'wrong' turns --- just turns that will lead me to a dead end, where I will have to pull a U-ey and find another route. I'm stronger than I let myself believe. I'm more talented than I let myself believe. I have more POTENTIAL than I let myself believe. I am Melissa. I am just me. That's all anyone can ever ask of me -- Melissa the dreamer, the cynic, the goof, the push-over, the conceited, the happy, the privelaged, the caring, the crying, the black, the white, the 'mexican', the scared, the weak, the strong, the stable, the woman. That's all I can be, and I'm the first person who has to start believing it. Everything else is irrelavent.

For a Pessimist, I'm pretty Optimistic

Today was a good day. . .never thought I'd say that. Mom and Dad got off to South Carolina without a single fight. Not even a tiff. In fact, Mom even laughed while we were packing up the van. Now, for those of you who aren't slow, you know that Mom and Dad fight like cats and dogs every single time we're getting ready to go on any sort of trip -- whether it be to Grand Lake, just up to Grandma's, or cross country...it's WWIII. That being said, this is the first time in twenty years (...the amount of time I've been ALIVE, mind you...) that they haven't fought. It was beautiful. :)

I'm finding less and less reasons to go back to Lawrence. That sounds terrible, since all my stuff is there and so are my friends, but...I miss being home. I learned that. However, I kinda sorta wanna move to Manhattan. No, not because of Dean ( you assumers )...but because there are more jobs that I can do around the area (Manhattan, Junction City). I don't know, we'll see what happens. I'm not promising myself anything about ANYTHING. I"m just going with the flow :)

Valentine's Day is this weekend....*sigh*....wait, I have nothing to sigh about. Bahaha. I have a Valentine, apparently. Kind of a good feeling. I remember in high school I was convinced Valentine's Day was a ploy to torture the single people of the earth. A "Haha-you're-single-you-fucking-lame-loser" day...with candy and hearts and chocolate and happiness and joyness just to make the single people of the world hopelessly pour over possible reasons they are single....which just adds to the hurt of being single in the first place. Plus....why do you need ONE day to tell someone you love them? If you love them enough, just tell them every minute of every day....or at least when you say goodnight or goodbye.

Anywho, I'm laying in a room in Kyle's massive house...Joel is sleeping in the other room and has convinced me to stay the night tomorrow night again so we can hang out. I suppose I will...I have nothing to go back to Lawrence for...except drama, drama, drama.

So Amanda and I had way too much fun at a park tonight...I almost can't wait to move back home...I miss home. And I miss my SILLY SILLY friends! :)

The parentals leave for South Carolina tomorrow....sad day...but I'm excited for them!


WooooO!!!!!!!

25 Random Facts About Moi

Sooo...I wrote this and posted it to facebook, but I figured I'd re-post it here so you all can see my "25 facts" --- laaammee.

25. I am only doing this damned thing because Kristin Rose is definetly one of the most beautiful people I've ever known and I'm so, so glad she's madly in love with my cousin Jake. She's already like family, and I can't wait to dance at their wedding!

24. When I am alone, I get lost in thoughts about how I can change things...make them better...sometimes it's about myself as a person, sometimes about current situations, sometimes to make other people more at ease or happy, and sometimes it's just to play out, in my mind, how FUCKED things could be if I did them differently. 

23. I hate drama. You say, how can she hate drama when she's so into Theater?! -- It's very easy. Drama is damned near the main reason I have shied AWAY from theater. I'm not jumping at the bits to be in every show I could possibly audition for, I have no passion for it anymore because being on stage...being up there and making people laugh...almost isn't worth it anymore because of all the bull I have to put up with the minute I walk offstage.

22. I have the single most amazing friends anyone could ask for. I really do. I love them soooo much, they'll probably never understand how much I care. But I'd do anything for them...they've all been with me through so much, in their own separate ways. I appreciate it to no end.

21. I fake being happy a lot. I'm naturally quiet and contemplative, but that's not approachable...so I taught myself to be loud, outgoing, witty, and somewhat brash. Apparently that's what attracts people. My true friends know me -- the one who gets lost in her thoughts and cries on a very regular basis. Who could spend hours doodling in a notebook. That's what makes them true friends...when they know both sides and love both sides and just let me be...me.

20. If I could lay in bed, with a good long book, and my iPod all day, I would. I have no motivation to leave my bed...especially if it tears me away from my book and my music. I guess, if I had to say something to this effect, music is my life. 

19. My least favorite thing in the whole universe are job applications. I hate them. I hate them with a passion of a thousand fiery suns. And maybe it's because I know, in the long run, that's all it is: a job. I'm ready to push the fast-forward button on my life and have it all figured out and have a path. Right now, it's monotonous school and monotonous work...blah blah blah..kind of reminds me of the teacher on Charlie Brown...hmm.

18. I have more respect for Christianity than I'd like to admit. Actually, I have more respect for faith as a whole more than I want to admit. But that's just it...I have respect for FAITH....not religion. Organized religion isn't something I'm a fan of, but faith...you always have to have faith in something. Whether it be yourself, a higher being, chocolate, etc....faith is very important to one's well-being. 

17. I've already picked my wedding dress. Premature, I know...who knows if a wedding is even in the works for me EVER...but there's a picture of it on my bulletin board in my dorm room. It's cream-colored lace over a considerable amount of taffeta, topped off with a gold, beaded mesh bustier with double straps. Very vintage, old hollywood, but very gorgeous and simple. How I like it...simple.

16. I am kind of, sort of, very much addicted to M&M's. Most people don't know it, because I've cut back QUITE a bit since high school, but when I'm stressed or mad or just bored, M&M's are my savior. I have a very large bag by my bed right now, on top of the M&M dispenser in my room, PLUS I buy a couple of bags at the coffee shop downstairs every day before I head off to class.

15. I have a picture on my bulletin board of my dad and I when I was under a year old...we're both sleeping on the couch, me nudged in between his stomach and the couch in the crook of his arm. I look at it every day to remember when things were simple, so I can believe there is a calmer place in this crazy world that I live in. 

14. I have an innate hatred for people who disrespect people they claim to "love" -- mothers who hurt their kids, husbands and wives who hurt their spouses, friends who hurt friends. I understand some things can't be avoided, but when you're doing something you KNOW is going to hurt someone who cares for you and you just disregard that because of your own selfish crap? THAT is what peeves me. 

13. I have the loudest, craziest, obnoxiously loving, out of control huggy, kissy, screamy, funny, perfect family in the whole world. I couldn't ask for anything more or anything less...they're just amazing the way they are, issues and all. 

12. I'm picky. With men. With friends. With even the kind of socks I put on in the morning. I like things a certain way, I'm a control freak, and I don't take no for an answer. I will explore ALL possibilities of something I want until I can't explore any more and 'no' is the only thing I'm going to get. I guess that makes me stubborn too.

11. That said, I'll be the first to give up my own happiness for someone else. I'm flexible in a way that makes me somewhat attainable for most people. I never want someone to feel like I'm obligating them to do something. And I hate asking for things. Dean always tells me to just say what I want, stop bullshitting around...but that's really hard because I don't know that what I want is what someone else wants, too. I assume it's a burden to someone else to do what I want, even though I do what everyone else wants, whether it's a burden or not. Maybe it's an avoidance of conflict, I'm not sure. But definetly something I need to work on.

10. I am self-conscious to a degree. My naked body is NOT my favorite thing and I'm always finding things wrong with it, things I'll think someone else will notice and ultimately find me disgusting or unattractive. It's worse with someone I really care about. I don't want them to see my flaws...at least, my obvious ones...because then I may lose them. It's always in the back of my mind, nagging at me. Weirdly enough, I wouldn't dream of being a size 6 or buying clothes in the Junior's section. I wouldn't be ME if I weren't, as Monica puts it, "voluptuous". I guess it's a double-edged sword.

9. "I do not apologize for the length of this note. You're the one reading it." (...stole that from Kristin)

8. I am sadly obsessed with shoes. If someone gave me $5000, the first thing I would buy is a new, gorgeous, fantastic, expensive, outrageous pair of pumps...four inch heels are like an amazing cup of hot chocolate: warm, loving, and orgasmic. 

7. I loooooovvvvvveee to laugh. I love it more than anything -- I love to open my mouth and let out a hearty, loud, giggly, huge laugh at something that tickles my funny bone. I love the humor in every day things. I find myself constantly noticing things about people walking down the hill on campus, in class, at lunch, in the hall --- things that are innately funny, but no one else seems to see the comic potential. I lay awake at night thinking about things I could describe to other people ABOUT other people. It's kind of lame, really -- especially when I laugh out loud, lost in my own thought, and Monica snorts awake. :)

6. I am not a normal college student in the sense that I hate coffee. I HATE coffee. I don't even like the smell of it. I am a tea person, all the way. Everyone is like "let's have a coffee date" -- I say "okay, but I'll drink tea" :)

5. If my life were a musical, it would be called "Mooks!". It would be dry, witty, CRAZY, energetic, with songs about love, life, stupid people, college, homeworks, and...more love. 

4. My answers are getting shorter because I just realized I still have French homework to do, since I'm most likely not going to class tomorrow due to me feeling like the world is closing in around me --- in a physical sense, that is. I'm sick sick sick.

3. I really like to brush my teeth. I find it calming. I like to stand there, with the water running (not eco-friendly at all), and stare at myself making funny faces in the mirror while I scrub those little things that work so hard all day --- I put them through hell with tea, chocolate, food, ice, gum, straws, etc. If teeth could talk, they'd probably tell me to fuck off. I chew on EVERYTHING. Even the strings to my sweatshirt. It must be an oral fixation from when I smoked for all of 2.5 seconds.

2. I am, yes, proudly and openly bisexual. I had a girlfriend for a while, it didn't work out (high school "relationshits" [haha Kare Bear]). I do lean towards men, for sure --- probably because I get along with them much more than women. It takes a lot for me to like a girl, but I'm open to it of course :) I think people get bicuriosity mixed up with bisexuality because they think being bisexual means you're physically attracted to women --- which is true, but you also need to be able to fall in love, mentally and emotionally, with a woman. A lot of girls are physically attracted and want to experiment, but could never see themselves in a RELATIONSHIP with a woman. That's the difference. 

1. I love to live. I love to grab an opportunity by the horns and run with it until my legs won't hold me anymore. Relationships, friendships, school, not school, family, fun, adventure....I love to embrace it all and hold that most dear