I'm sitting here, staring at my all-too colorful walls in my all-too cheerful room, thinking about the curveballs life has thrown at me lately and I'm not too happy with whoever it is that's calling the shots. My love life is, again, in annoying turmoil -- mostly because I tend to fall for people who can't get over their own fears, while I, on the other hand, probably am scared of damn near everything BUT love. Which...is...kind of awkward, considering. Maybe I just have too much faith in people....too much hope...but then again, hope and faith in others is what binds me - it's what makes me tick. I value my relationships with other people more than anything -- more than any job, any grade, any commitment...and that's seriously the hardest thing ever. It hurts like hell when I even remotely let someone down who's been relying on me or needs me or wants me -- most of the reason I'm terrible at saying 'no' to people, I suppose. And I'm scarily optimistic about it too...like, if I love someone, that's it. No holds barred. I will endure, I will work through, I will handle most anything life can throw at me because I believe...maybe naively...that love can make it through anything. Anything but loss of love, I gather...because when you fall out of love, that's like rediscovering yourself. You shouldn't regret it -- unless the one you loved was a real asswipe and you're JUST realizing that -- but should learn and grow from it so that the next person you love can benefit from your rediscovery as well, hopefully making the relationship stronger. *sigh* I'm just babbling now.
I'm also getting the itch..the itch I've been trying to avoid since I graduated...you know...the 'marriage' itch. I'm not saying I want to walk down the aisle tomorrow, but I'm finding myself, when analyzing men, wondering if I could potentially spend the rest of my life with them. I guess I'm just ready for some semblance of stability at least in one aspect of my life. And what better one than the one that drives me most? I'd love to erase that question mark in the LOVE category and just have it shaded in solidly. That would be....euphoric. I think I'm backwards, though, because all of my energy is naturally focused on finding someone and THEN on everything else...when, if society ruled, it should be the other way around. I should be focused on making myself better and all that before focusing on finding someone, but...I need people. I like the feeling of being able to come home to someone, to crawl into bed with someone and talk or just lay there, to have someone I can always count on for things -- emotionally, mostly. Dont' get me wrong -- my friends are fabulous, they're amazing and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but....there's something lacking. Something...more intimate, I suppose.
"Lovers are very special people. They're the luckiest people in the world. With one person, one very special person. A feeling deep in your soul says you were half now you're whole." - PEOPLE by Barbara Streisand
Hmmm...leave it to me to throw in Streisand. Lame.
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