Sunset in Belleville

It's Wednesday evening. I've been struggling as the new primary caretaker for Grandma since Sunday night, and Lord knows it's been interesting. The first twenty-four hours scared me a little because Grandma was a little disoriented, which I'm now crediting towards her being so tired from her hospital stay. But she's a little trucker. She can do 90% of things by herself, especially since she has that reacher that allows her to get dressed, put on her shoes and socks, pick up things off the floor, open drawers, and use in general. She's also managed to be able to put herself to bed with all her pillows, go to the bathroom by herself, and even put pot pies in the oven. At mom's willing, I've been kind of sitting back and letting her do things by herself unless she asks. She is still kind of achey, but that's to be expected, and her Tylenol ExtraStrength and Morphine is really doing the trick, although the home-health lady suggested she take Darvicet (sp?) before bed to help her sleep. She can't get comfortable at times because of the ache, but last night she fixed herself one drink which relaxed her enough to sleep through the night and she looks much better today. She's been eating well, usually a piece of toast with peanut butter and an ensure during the day (she naps most of the afternoon) and either macaroni and cheese or a pot pie at night, which she eats usually about two thirds of. Honestly, I'm not worried about her.

Me, on the other hand, I'm a little worried about. My patience is not exactly my biggest virtue. Grandma said I'm "sooo patient", and I told her she's probably the only person who thinks that. Anyone else, including myself, would say I'm one of the most impatient people in the universe. I'm one of those people who talks pretty fast and does things pretty fast and I try to do them by myself, so it's hard when things are thrown into slow motion. And I'm realllllyyyyyy contemplating NOT doing CNA training...the more I look at it, and the more I look at cosmetology and talk to people in the business (my hairdresser, my old hairdresser from Salina, Amanda [going to cosmo school in April]) the more I really want to do it. But I want to come at it from more of the artistic side and there's this spectacular school in Kansas City that focuses on artistic hair, portfolios, and even does job placement, which is a huuuuge deal. I've gotten all kinds of information from them over the last couple of months because I was really looking at cosmo schools, but I let myself think that CNA training is the more "practical" route. Which is stupid. It's exactly what I DON'T want to do. I know it would make everyone just sooo happy if I just got a license, got a job, and worked. But...I really want to jump on this ball. I think it's the right choice, and the more I think about it, the more I get excited about it. Mom is totally against it, which I understand because she thinks I'm just going to quit. In all honesty, I don't really give a shit what she thinks. I need to do something artistic and since we can't afford a conservatory, I have to figure it out somewhere else. I'm not talented enough to get in an art school, I'm not a dancer, I'm already in an opera studio, but not quite seasoned enough to audition for schools (not that we can afford it anyway) --- Hair is something I've always loved, always wanted to be a part of, but it never really seemed like an option. If I could, I'd get my CNA training, sign up for hair school, try to get my parents not to claim me so I can get financial aide, and just do it. But mom is SOO livid about me even asking about it. Yes, I was semi-excited about going to KU this semester, but I mostly made that decision because I had to live in Lawrence anyway, so why not go to school. I thought "hey, maybe I can do this....maybe I can handle this" ---- yeah, right. Not even close. I'm not an academic. I've dealt with that. Whatever. But if they (mostly mom) think that there's not pressure to go to school, they've got another thing coming. I mentioned hair school before, mom shot it down, talked me into CNA training, it seems an easy way out, but damn it-- I don't want to lose myself in healthcare like she did. Seems ridiculous. Hair school feels right to me. That's all there is to it. I dont' care how many people 'believe' me or have 'faith' in me. That's how it is.