Even the Man in the Moon Disappeared

I'm sitting here, staring at my all-too colorful walls in my all-too cheerful room, thinking about the curveballs life has thrown at me lately and I'm not too happy with whoever it is that's calling the shots. My love life is, again, in annoying turmoil -- mostly because I tend to fall for people who can't get over their own fears, while I, on the other hand, probably am scared of damn near everything BUT love. Which...is...kind of awkward, considering. Maybe I just have too much faith in people....too much hope...but then again, hope and faith in others is what binds me - it's what makes me tick. I value my relationships with other people more than anything -- more than any job, any grade, any commitment...and that's seriously the hardest thing ever. It hurts like hell when I even remotely let someone down who's been relying on me or needs me or wants me -- most of the reason I'm terrible at saying 'no' to people, I suppose. And I'm scarily optimistic about it too...like, if I love someone, that's it. No holds barred. I will endure, I will work through, I will handle most anything life can throw at me because I believe...maybe naively...that love can make it through anything. Anything but loss of love, I gather...because when you fall out of love, that's like rediscovering yourself. You shouldn't regret it -- unless the one you loved was a real asswipe and you're JUST realizing that -- but should learn and grow from it so that the next person you love can benefit from your rediscovery as well, hopefully making the relationship stronger. *sigh* I'm just babbling now.
I'm also getting the itch..the itch I've been trying to avoid since I graduated...you know...the 'marriage' itch. I'm not saying I want to walk down the aisle tomorrow, but I'm finding myself, when analyzing men, wondering if I could potentially spend the rest of my life with them. I guess I'm just ready for some semblance of stability at least in one aspect of my life. And what better one than the one that drives me most? I'd love to erase that question mark in the LOVE category and just have it shaded in solidly. That would be....euphoric. I think I'm backwards, though, because all of my energy is naturally focused on finding someone and THEN on everything else...when, if society ruled, it should be the other way around. I should be focused on making myself better and all that before focusing on finding someone, but...I need people. I like the feeling of being able to come home to someone, to crawl into bed with someone and talk or just lay there, to have someone I can always count on for things -- emotionally, mostly. Dont' get me wrong -- my friends are fabulous, they're amazing and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but....there's something lacking. Something...more intimate, I suppose.

"Lovers are very special people. They're the luckiest people in the world. With one person, one very special person. A feeling deep in your soul says you were half now you're whole." - PEOPLE by Barbara Streisand

Hmmm...leave it to me to throw in Streisand. Lame.

St. Patrick's Day Frenzy Take Two

St. Patrick's Day Frenzy

I had a party on St. Patty's day...here are some of my fav pics :)

Petty Impatience

I...wrote...a song. Or, at least, my pathetic attempt at a song. The melody reminds me of something Paramore-ish, but it's yet to be decided on.

Petty Impatience

You keep saying there's a place for us
But all I see is endless night.
I want to believe you when you
Look at me with that smile bright.
But how do you expect me to
Wait any longer? (Wait any longer)
-chorus-
Don't mistaken my words for petty impatience
I'd wait til hell for you.
But if hell's where I'm going
I need to know you waited too.
**
Your subtle lies are heartbreak's art
Fooling me with every stroke.
Yet somehow I find a way to say
I'm sick of being alone!
-chorus-
Don't mistaken my words for petty impatience
I'd wait til hell for you.
But if hell's where I'm going
I need to know you waited too.
**
-bridge-
Don't look away (don't look away) Don't turn away (don't turn away)
Tell me what I want to hear (that you love me)
Or watch me walk..out..that...door.
(And when I do you'll see your heart on the floor)
-chorus-
Don't mistaken my words for petty impatience
I'd wait til hell for you.
But if hell's where I'm going
I need to know you waited too.

Sunset in Belleville

It's Wednesday evening. I've been struggling as the new primary caretaker for Grandma since Sunday night, and Lord knows it's been interesting. The first twenty-four hours scared me a little because Grandma was a little disoriented, which I'm now crediting towards her being so tired from her hospital stay. But she's a little trucker. She can do 90% of things by herself, especially since she has that reacher that allows her to get dressed, put on her shoes and socks, pick up things off the floor, open drawers, and use in general. She's also managed to be able to put herself to bed with all her pillows, go to the bathroom by herself, and even put pot pies in the oven. At mom's willing, I've been kind of sitting back and letting her do things by herself unless she asks. She is still kind of achey, but that's to be expected, and her Tylenol ExtraStrength and Morphine is really doing the trick, although the home-health lady suggested she take Darvicet (sp?) before bed to help her sleep. She can't get comfortable at times because of the ache, but last night she fixed herself one drink which relaxed her enough to sleep through the night and she looks much better today. She's been eating well, usually a piece of toast with peanut butter and an ensure during the day (she naps most of the afternoon) and either macaroni and cheese or a pot pie at night, which she eats usually about two thirds of. Honestly, I'm not worried about her.

Me, on the other hand, I'm a little worried about. My patience is not exactly my biggest virtue. Grandma said I'm "sooo patient", and I told her she's probably the only person who thinks that. Anyone else, including myself, would say I'm one of the most impatient people in the universe. I'm one of those people who talks pretty fast and does things pretty fast and I try to do them by myself, so it's hard when things are thrown into slow motion. And I'm realllllyyyyyy contemplating NOT doing CNA training...the more I look at it, and the more I look at cosmetology and talk to people in the business (my hairdresser, my old hairdresser from Salina, Amanda [going to cosmo school in April]) the more I really want to do it. But I want to come at it from more of the artistic side and there's this spectacular school in Kansas City that focuses on artistic hair, portfolios, and even does job placement, which is a huuuuge deal. I've gotten all kinds of information from them over the last couple of months because I was really looking at cosmo schools, but I let myself think that CNA training is the more "practical" route. Which is stupid. It's exactly what I DON'T want to do. I know it would make everyone just sooo happy if I just got a license, got a job, and worked. But...I really want to jump on this ball. I think it's the right choice, and the more I think about it, the more I get excited about it. Mom is totally against it, which I understand because she thinks I'm just going to quit. In all honesty, I don't really give a shit what she thinks. I need to do something artistic and since we can't afford a conservatory, I have to figure it out somewhere else. I'm not talented enough to get in an art school, I'm not a dancer, I'm already in an opera studio, but not quite seasoned enough to audition for schools (not that we can afford it anyway) --- Hair is something I've always loved, always wanted to be a part of, but it never really seemed like an option. If I could, I'd get my CNA training, sign up for hair school, try to get my parents not to claim me so I can get financial aide, and just do it. But mom is SOO livid about me even asking about it. Yes, I was semi-excited about going to KU this semester, but I mostly made that decision because I had to live in Lawrence anyway, so why not go to school. I thought "hey, maybe I can do this....maybe I can handle this" ---- yeah, right. Not even close. I'm not an academic. I've dealt with that. Whatever. But if they (mostly mom) think that there's not pressure to go to school, they've got another thing coming. I mentioned hair school before, mom shot it down, talked me into CNA training, it seems an easy way out, but damn it-- I don't want to lose myself in healthcare like she did. Seems ridiculous. Hair school feels right to me. That's all there is to it. I dont' care how many people 'believe' me or have 'faith' in me. That's how it is.

Leap of Faith

The last post was kind of grim, but all is well :) We talked, we kissed, we agreed, and we're okay. I dont' much feel like writing right now because I'm exhausted and my fingers aren't quite keeping up with my brain at the moment because it's all over the place. Just wanted to let you know everything is fine :) I'm happy

Moment of Truth

Today has the potential of being the worst (or best) day of my life thus far. I've been going back and forth over the last couple of days deciding whether to take this leap of faith, but I think it's time I just stand up for what I want and give a much needed ultimatum. Tonight, I'm going to Manhattan to talk to Dean. I need to know where we stand, what his feelings are, and (most of all) what we're doing. Even though we've broken up, we're still in that weird limbo of acting like we're dating, but we're not. So when people ask how my "boyfriend" is, I say "oh, he's fine" and in my mind I'm going Wait, he's not my boyfriend...what the hell.
Essentially, I'm going to sit him down and ask him to humor me, to listen, and if I ask him a question, to be as brutally honest as possible. Then I'm going to ask him a few questions -- questions I've been wondering about for quite some time, but just didn't want to ask (mostly for fear of the answer). And then, depending on how that goes, I'm going to flat out ask him if he loves me. Because if he does, we need to make this work. I don't care about the title, I dont' care if he introduces me as his friend or his girlfriend or whatever, but I need to know that we're in this together. That I'm not alone and that it's not one-sided. But if he doesn't, then I will walk away and he'll never see me again. Hmm...never is a strong word, but it's the one I'm choosing for now. Being his friend hurts much too much. He ruined that when he mentioned one word about loving me. So I have to stand up for myself, tell him how I feel, give him an ultimatum, and if he chooses the latter...I need to walk away, cry, and proceed to get over him. Because right now, he's not even being a good friend and that breaks my heart more than anything.

A First

So...last night. Hollyyyyy cow. Last night was the huge BSU (Black Student Union) party at the Granada on Mass street. We (Karen, Monica, Sammie, Alex, & I) decided that we would go and have a good time. But, because I'm constantly the DD, we asked Sammie to be the driver so that I could drink. And....God...did I drink. I had approximately 12 shots in about 45 minutes. I was SMASHED. Now, remember, I've never actually been drunk. I've never actually even been TIPSY, so this was all very new to me. I don't remember most of the pictures we took, actually. And that was before we even went to the party. *sigh* And then apparently I made Karen text AND call Dean and tell him how lucky he was to have me and how she doesn't understand why he won't just love me like he wants to. But he told me she called at least three times -- I was only present for one of those times. Monica called him too, I apparently talked to him, and she asked him if he loved me. I don't remember asking her to do that at all. And apparently I cried? So I guess I'm going to classify myself as an emotional drunk --- definetly. I was sooooo crazy.
Anyways, I'm still very very tired and not thinking quite clearly so I'm going to go sleep and write more tomorrow hopefully