Daddy's Girl

I have a new-found respect for my father. These past couple of days, I've doing all but tearing my hair out about mom's crazy-high stress level, the fact that she's asked me to be in Belleville four out of seven days of the week, and that I've had a constant migraine since...well...Saturday. And of all people....Dad has been the sane, calm one. He calmed me down and let me vent about mom, he talked to her about everything, and then he calmly told me what mom FLEW off the handle about. You see, I have this automatic wall -- it tends to appear when people start acting/reacting irrationally when it's very plausible for them to answer normally, but they choose not to because they can't control their own tempers. So it appeared to the 'nth degree when mom flipped about me not wanting to be up in Belleville so much and how I don't really understand the point, especially if Grandma is going to be in assisted living. Which I still don't understand the point. I'm more than willing to go up there once a week for a couple of days or a night or something, but Monday through Thursday, in the middle of a show, almost four hours away from where I live, PLUS starting CNA training -- it's making my head spin. She told me if I don't do the Grandma thing, I need to support myself (car insurance, food, gas, lessons, etc.) which I try to understand...**key word: try**...and I would be fine doing that, but she makes it sound like the family is going to disown me if I choose that path. So I'm stuck between a rock and hard place, and either path I choose I'm pretty much screwed. C'est la vie.
I came back to Lawrence today....oh goodness, it was AMAZING to be back. Back in the swing of things, with my ridiculous friends. I have a lesson tomorrow that I'm completely not looking forward to. I was supposed to have one of my songs memorized last Monday, but I was in Salina and didn't go to a lesson and was at the hospital (when I wasn't sleeping), so I didn't even LOOK at my music. Bahhh.....kill me now.
Anyways, that's pretty much it for now....I'm going to bed. Ah, the sounds of the dorm on a Thursday night -- beer pong, drunkenness, and people being thrown into walls. Gotta love it.

A Few Thoughts

Just thought I'd post a few pics....Conor and Caden, Manda and I, and Karen and I. You know, I don't write a lot about my friends. I'm not sure why. They're a huge part of who I am right now...especially Amanda and Karen. Mand has watched me fall completely apart and never wavered as my best friend. She never questioned my ever-changing sanity, she never told me to 'suck it up', and she never really asked that dreaded question: "Are you okay?" --- She's been my shoulder to lean on, my human Kleenex, and my sister throughout all of this crazyness. I love her dearly :) --- And then there's Karen (aka Kare-Bear). That girl....gah, if you've ever seen FINDING NEMO, and you've seen that blue fish Dori (the one voiced by Ellen Degeneres [go figure]), that's Karen in a nutshell. She's hella smart, hella funny, but definetly one of the deepest people I've met in a long time. She's truly genuine and I know I can talk to her about anything. We've been through some times, but we've always been very honest with each other about our feelings, our fears, and our issues. I've been really lucky to have someone like her around. Then there's Dean --- what to say about him, eh? He's...the cheese to my macaroni? Haha, but seriously, life would be maddeningly boring without him. Granted, if I never had him I wouldn't know what I was missing, but you get my drift. He's quite intelligent, but he challenges me. He doesn't let me just say "whatever" and "it's up to you" and "i don't care" --- and he's never once let me lie to him. I guess it's kind of a double-edged sword, though....he can tell every single feeling just by looking at me, and sometimes it peeves me because I don't WANT him to know everything, yet he does. It's a very big part of why I love him so much...he's like the yin to my yang.
Gah, it makes me a bit emotional even talking about the people I care about because....well, they're like my little version of a family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and they're great, but....it's a different dynamic with people you aren't related to. I'm not sure why, it just is. I guess it's because you're learning new things all the time...it's like a never-ending process, but a very exciting one filled with laughter and craziness!

Be like Nike: Just Do It.

Again, here in the hospital. I'm getting sadly used to the drone of hospital machines, and I've settled about being here with Grandma. She needs me. And I need to be here. Not just for Mom, Kim, Chris, Kathy, etc...but for me. I know I'd just hate myself if something happened and I wasn't there because I didn't "feel" like it. Ha. That would be something I would do...just not feel like it. Don't know how many things I haven't felt like doing that I just blew off -- like go to work. I think I've lost three jobs because I just didn't feel like getting up and going to work. Real responsible, Melissa. Good job. *rolls eyes*
I finished my book(s)...IN LOVE. Totally. It's a series called HOUSE OF NIGHT...about a Vampyre finishing school. Amanda lent me the first two out of the 5 book series, and I devoured them in less than 24 hours. Now I've been through all four (the fifth comes out March 10th) and I'm actually psyched for a book release date that ISN'T Harry Potter...how bizarre!! I'm thinking about starting the Twilight series (see what all the hype is about) in the mean time. Hopefully I don't mix up Vampyre stories. Yumm...I love books.
I also have a newfound love for cereal. Frosted mini wheats, to be exact. They're so sweet and delicious. Plus, they get me to drink some semblance of milk...which I hate.
This week is going to be quite interesting...Grandma gets transferred back up to Belleville tomorrow where I suppose she'll be in the rehab unit for a few days more. I'm going to follow her up and get her settled, go make sure the cat and the apartment are okay, and then come home. Mom and Dad should be back late tomorrow night, in which case mom will then go up to Belleville on Wednesday and I will take a day off then scoot myself back to Lawrence on Thursday. Marilyn's show opens this weekend (H2$) so we're going to see it. Plus, our really good friend Luke is the assistant director and we've had to watch him have a daily meltdown about the entire thing -- he's starting to talk like his mother, with this high-pitched voice that makes you want to punch a baby. But I have to say: his re-enactions of his mom's freak-outs are the most priceless thing I've ever seen. They make me want to go visit him in Scotsdale, AZ, just because.
Anywho, three more hours and I'm going to go home and sleep for a while....yummmm.....

"Good Hand Washing"

The title. It's a sign that I'm staring at. It's over the sink in the hospital, as I lay/sit here awkwardly in front of the cracked bathroom door, basking in the light while Grandma talks clearly in her fitful sleep in the hospital bed not four feet away, my mind racing with a million thoughts. So much...so much has happened, I can't process. I don't even know if it registers as reality, despite the hot tears running down my cheeks that say otherwise. I feel this nagging need to run away. To just...disconnect from everyone and be truly alone. But then again, that's preposterous. I love too hard to just walk away from everyone. The place I've called home for the past six months doesn't even feel real anymore. It feels...wrong. Something is wrong. There's a bad omen about that place, however dearly I love the people in it. And I do....Monica, Karen, Gena, Rachel, Marilyn...I love them. They're my peoples. But...when I'm there...I feel...disconnect. I feel like I don't actually belong there. I feel like I'm watching myself try to hold onto this life that I'm not meant for. But what is the alternative? Moving back in with my parents, being driven half mad by their irresponsibility, and feeling more alone than ever. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I don't feel like I have a home. I know I have a house, in Salina, but...it doesn't feel like home. Especially since my parents are never there together -- sometimes I feel like I'm in some twisted version of a divorce where my parents spend a couple of weekends together a month and get along in an equally twisted way. And, I this is very conceited and selfish, but I don't want to be involved. I find myself resenting this entire situation with my Grandmother because I had plans next week -- because I have lessons and things that can't keep being put off. The sensible side of me keeps reminding me "it's family. It's your Grandmother. You have to do this. You have to step up to the plate and make Kimmy proud. You have to be supportive and willing to sacrifice." And then in comes the artist, the dreamer saying "run away. Just walk away. Leave it all behind, start a new life, disconnect." It's like this war inside of me fueled by readiness to be on my own. To find my own apartment and pay my own bills and start my own life with a dog (or a cat) and my beautiful friends and my own fun, quirky, dysfunctional world. God, this is all just babble...babble about nothing. About things that can never be, that never will be. I'm not crazy, I'm not completely irresponsible, and I've got the worst guilty concious of anyone I know...so I'm not going to disconnect. I'll stay right where I am....here. In this hospital room. Getting lost in my vampyre books, the smell of ammonia, and dreams of leaving all of this behind. Life is tiring, I've decided. It just....sucks everything out of you until you can't breath, can't sleep, can't eat, can't function. You just...exist. There's a quote I included in Dean's valentine's gift --- "It is rare to live. Most of us just exist." --- Damn it, I want to live. I don't want to just exist. I don't want to walk through my day after day like a droning hospital monitor that hums every once in a while and loses itself in normalcy. I find every reason to leave Lawrence, to leave Salina, to not go back, to just travel around and see people and sleep on couches (or beds, in Joel's case....Kyle's house is just too flippin big), and shower wherever...like a nomad. I like being a nomad. I like waking up in the morning and saying "hm. I think I'll go to Salina today. But I'm going to stop in Manhattan on the way and see some people and maybe I'll stay there for a day or two, who knows, and then I'll go on to Salina and maybe jaunt up to Wichita or Hays or WHATEVER"--------I love that. I love that adventure. And it lets me see people in a whole new light. When I'm in Manhattan, seeing Joel...Dean...Dru -- I don't have the obligations ... to let my roommate know where I am, to include other people, to blah blah blah...I can just...focus on them. Really talk to them. And cherish the time I get to spend with them since it isn't every day. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my time with my friends in Lawrence --- but sometimes it isn't the same. I love Monica...but lately, it's like we don't even converse....we don't exist in a coinciding reality, it's just this....clash of beings. But Kare-bear...I know I can always count on her for a good conversation, a fun adventure, a huge laugh, and a shoulder to cry on...she's always there. And it never wavers. I love that. I hope I'm that for someone else. I just hope I'm SOMETHING to someone else. Bah...now I'm babbling again. I don't remember why I'm even writing this right now. I haven't a clue where my mind is....probably stuck somewhere in the walls of this hospital, tearing to get out.

Skittles

So many possibilities. I'm full of sooooo many possibilities. It's 4:23am...I've been laying here since 2am just thinking. I can't sleep, so random thoughts have crept into my brain and made nests where they continue to procreate and infiltrate even my deepest dreams. Inside this jumble of thoughts, I got lost in the lies. I've told a web of awful lies in my adolescence that would make a grown man shake his head with pity on my pour soul. I don't remember how many, what most of them were even about, or who I told them to...I can't even remember why. So I asked myself that question: why. Why did I say those things? Why do I feel the need to make up stories to cover up my own indescretions? Sometimes, it's not even about indescretions. It's about making my life more...interesting. In all honesty, my life is very easy. I'd like to pretend it's some soap opera screenplay. I make a big deal out of minute instances because I have nothing else to say. I don't talk about my dreams or my quirks or my observations because I believe, truly, that no one cares to hear. It might all be crazy talk -- talk of loving harder than I can imagine, of being content to just live for other people, of wanting to own a farm, have a horse, travel the country, sing whenever I want, and just become this person...a person who wakes up every morning eager to greet the day's potential beauty. Even when it's raining, I smile. Not because it's funny, but because it's so...perfect. I think things, even people, are most honest when they're at their worst. When the world is closing in around them and the rain doesn't seem to let up. I feel sorry for pavement. It gets walked on, driven on, rained on, snowed on, iced on, beaten, cracked, spilled on, spat on, and lain on....and yet, it's still there. Day after day, waiting to do it all over again and serve it's purpose. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to just...sit around, day after day, waiting to serve my "purpose", or lack therof, as a human being. I don't want to be the A-typical twenty year old who goes to college, drinks every weekend, and avoids all sense of reality. I don't want to be shoved into any one direction by any one person. I've always had a problem with authority. Some would tell me that's a vice, not a virtue, and that may be. But it's part of who I am. I've always questioned why I'm being asked to do something --- why do I have to do this assignment, why do I have to sing that particular song, why did you cast me in that role, why did you choose me to double date with you, why are we friends, why do you even like me, why did you ask me that, why, why, why. I want to understand the inner workings of people's minds, and I'm not talking about psychology. I'm not talking about blaming attraction on pheramones or diagnosing bipolar disorder. I'm talking about truly being interested in those thoughts that never get expressed. The ones people think while they're driving alone on the highway, while they're laying in bed at night, while they're walking down the hill on campus, while they're sitting in their favorite chair, while they're alone. I, for one, have some of the most random, exciting, optimistic, dreamy thoughts while I'm alone. I think up scenarios in my head for certain situations. I play out how things could have been different if I'd just said what I wanted to say in the given situation. I have rhetorical conversations -- yes, out loud -- with people I wished I'd had those conversations with. I say things to people that I want to say to them in reality, but it stays within the four walls of my bedroom (or car, most times). I dream of going to Disney World and meeting Belle, I dream of watching the ball drop in NYC, I dream of just taking a cross-country road trip with a few friends and watching the sun set over the the Rocky Mountains. I think about what it would be like to watch a Broncos game, to make love under the stars, to meet Barbara Streisand, to sing for Barack Obama, to sink my toes into the ocean, to touch a killer whale, to listen to a baby's -- my baby's -- heart beat, to have a simple sort of love without question or expectation, to walk onto a Broadway stage, and to kiss the sky. I can't comprehend why these things are so questionable...why I can't do them all. People ask me what I want to do...."what do you want to do with yourself, Melissa?"...and the easiest, most truthful answer I can come up with is..."everything. I want to do everything." I want to go to cosmetology school, I want to be a CNA, I want to be a nurse, I want to act, I want to direct, I want to sing, I want to love, I want to run, I want to travel, I want to experience live in the most divine form I can. I don't understand what is so wrong with all of that. They look at me like I'm crazy, like I've fallen off of my hypothetical 'rocker', that I've kicked the can. But I'm twenty! I've got so much time to do all of these things. I understand money is an obstacle, but it's an obstacle that is maneuvered and manipulated daily, so I don't see the problem. I am fairly pessimistic, but it's derived not from my own persona...but from my environment. I've grown up thinking I 'can't' do this and I 'can't' do that -- simply because of inane reasons (money, time, etc) that make absolutely no sense in the scheme of things. I was watching TV (something I don't do often) and a Skittles commerical came on -- it ended with it's famous slogan "Taste the Rainbow". I've seen the commercial close to a million times and have never given it a second look. But it couldn't be more right. I'm sure I'm taking it completely out of context because the Skittles advertising team probably didn't think as deeply into it as I'm about to delve, but --- taste the rainbow. Taste every color, every inch, every possibility. Possibility is the key word here. A lot of things aren't probable, but it's up to us...as individuals...it's up to me to make the improbable POSSIBLE! To quote Rogers and Hammerstein's Cinderella, "It's possible...for a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage." The answers, the 'shoulds', are staring us right in the face and none of us, especially I, are ready to meet its eyes. I'm a good person. I can make no 'wrong' turns --- just turns that will lead me to a dead end, where I will have to pull a U-ey and find another route. I'm stronger than I let myself believe. I'm more talented than I let myself believe. I have more POTENTIAL than I let myself believe. I am Melissa. I am just me. That's all anyone can ever ask of me -- Melissa the dreamer, the cynic, the goof, the push-over, the conceited, the happy, the privelaged, the caring, the crying, the black, the white, the 'mexican', the scared, the weak, the strong, the stable, the woman. That's all I can be, and I'm the first person who has to start believing it. Everything else is irrelavent.

For a Pessimist, I'm pretty Optimistic

Today was a good day. . .never thought I'd say that. Mom and Dad got off to South Carolina without a single fight. Not even a tiff. In fact, Mom even laughed while we were packing up the van. Now, for those of you who aren't slow, you know that Mom and Dad fight like cats and dogs every single time we're getting ready to go on any sort of trip -- whether it be to Grand Lake, just up to Grandma's, or cross country...it's WWIII. That being said, this is the first time in twenty years (...the amount of time I've been ALIVE, mind you...) that they haven't fought. It was beautiful. :)

I'm finding less and less reasons to go back to Lawrence. That sounds terrible, since all my stuff is there and so are my friends, but...I miss being home. I learned that. However, I kinda sorta wanna move to Manhattan. No, not because of Dean ( you assumers )...but because there are more jobs that I can do around the area (Manhattan, Junction City). I don't know, we'll see what happens. I'm not promising myself anything about ANYTHING. I"m just going with the flow :)

Valentine's Day is this weekend....*sigh*....wait, I have nothing to sigh about. Bahaha. I have a Valentine, apparently. Kind of a good feeling. I remember in high school I was convinced Valentine's Day was a ploy to torture the single people of the earth. A "Haha-you're-single-you-fucking-lame-loser" day...with candy and hearts and chocolate and happiness and joyness just to make the single people of the world hopelessly pour over possible reasons they are single....which just adds to the hurt of being single in the first place. Plus....why do you need ONE day to tell someone you love them? If you love them enough, just tell them every minute of every day....or at least when you say goodnight or goodbye.

Anywho, I'm laying in a room in Kyle's massive house...Joel is sleeping in the other room and has convinced me to stay the night tomorrow night again so we can hang out. I suppose I will...I have nothing to go back to Lawrence for...except drama, drama, drama.

So Amanda and I had way too much fun at a park tonight...I almost can't wait to move back home...I miss home. And I miss my SILLY SILLY friends! :)

The parentals leave for South Carolina tomorrow....sad day...but I'm excited for them!


WooooO!!!!!!!

25 Random Facts About Moi

Sooo...I wrote this and posted it to facebook, but I figured I'd re-post it here so you all can see my "25 facts" --- laaammee.

25. I am only doing this damned thing because Kristin Rose is definetly one of the most beautiful people I've ever known and I'm so, so glad she's madly in love with my cousin Jake. She's already like family, and I can't wait to dance at their wedding!

24. When I am alone, I get lost in thoughts about how I can change things...make them better...sometimes it's about myself as a person, sometimes about current situations, sometimes to make other people more at ease or happy, and sometimes it's just to play out, in my mind, how FUCKED things could be if I did them differently. 

23. I hate drama. You say, how can she hate drama when she's so into Theater?! -- It's very easy. Drama is damned near the main reason I have shied AWAY from theater. I'm not jumping at the bits to be in every show I could possibly audition for, I have no passion for it anymore because being on stage...being up there and making people laugh...almost isn't worth it anymore because of all the bull I have to put up with the minute I walk offstage.

22. I have the single most amazing friends anyone could ask for. I really do. I love them soooo much, they'll probably never understand how much I care. But I'd do anything for them...they've all been with me through so much, in their own separate ways. I appreciate it to no end.

21. I fake being happy a lot. I'm naturally quiet and contemplative, but that's not approachable...so I taught myself to be loud, outgoing, witty, and somewhat brash. Apparently that's what attracts people. My true friends know me -- the one who gets lost in her thoughts and cries on a very regular basis. Who could spend hours doodling in a notebook. That's what makes them true friends...when they know both sides and love both sides and just let me be...me.

20. If I could lay in bed, with a good long book, and my iPod all day, I would. I have no motivation to leave my bed...especially if it tears me away from my book and my music. I guess, if I had to say something to this effect, music is my life. 

19. My least favorite thing in the whole universe are job applications. I hate them. I hate them with a passion of a thousand fiery suns. And maybe it's because I know, in the long run, that's all it is: a job. I'm ready to push the fast-forward button on my life and have it all figured out and have a path. Right now, it's monotonous school and monotonous work...blah blah blah..kind of reminds me of the teacher on Charlie Brown...hmm.

18. I have more respect for Christianity than I'd like to admit. Actually, I have more respect for faith as a whole more than I want to admit. But that's just it...I have respect for FAITH....not religion. Organized religion isn't something I'm a fan of, but faith...you always have to have faith in something. Whether it be yourself, a higher being, chocolate, etc....faith is very important to one's well-being. 

17. I've already picked my wedding dress. Premature, I know...who knows if a wedding is even in the works for me EVER...but there's a picture of it on my bulletin board in my dorm room. It's cream-colored lace over a considerable amount of taffeta, topped off with a gold, beaded mesh bustier with double straps. Very vintage, old hollywood, but very gorgeous and simple. How I like it...simple.

16. I am kind of, sort of, very much addicted to M&M's. Most people don't know it, because I've cut back QUITE a bit since high school, but when I'm stressed or mad or just bored, M&M's are my savior. I have a very large bag by my bed right now, on top of the M&M dispenser in my room, PLUS I buy a couple of bags at the coffee shop downstairs every day before I head off to class.

15. I have a picture on my bulletin board of my dad and I when I was under a year old...we're both sleeping on the couch, me nudged in between his stomach and the couch in the crook of his arm. I look at it every day to remember when things were simple, so I can believe there is a calmer place in this crazy world that I live in. 

14. I have an innate hatred for people who disrespect people they claim to "love" -- mothers who hurt their kids, husbands and wives who hurt their spouses, friends who hurt friends. I understand some things can't be avoided, but when you're doing something you KNOW is going to hurt someone who cares for you and you just disregard that because of your own selfish crap? THAT is what peeves me. 

13. I have the loudest, craziest, obnoxiously loving, out of control huggy, kissy, screamy, funny, perfect family in the whole world. I couldn't ask for anything more or anything less...they're just amazing the way they are, issues and all. 

12. I'm picky. With men. With friends. With even the kind of socks I put on in the morning. I like things a certain way, I'm a control freak, and I don't take no for an answer. I will explore ALL possibilities of something I want until I can't explore any more and 'no' is the only thing I'm going to get. I guess that makes me stubborn too.

11. That said, I'll be the first to give up my own happiness for someone else. I'm flexible in a way that makes me somewhat attainable for most people. I never want someone to feel like I'm obligating them to do something. And I hate asking for things. Dean always tells me to just say what I want, stop bullshitting around...but that's really hard because I don't know that what I want is what someone else wants, too. I assume it's a burden to someone else to do what I want, even though I do what everyone else wants, whether it's a burden or not. Maybe it's an avoidance of conflict, I'm not sure. But definetly something I need to work on.

10. I am self-conscious to a degree. My naked body is NOT my favorite thing and I'm always finding things wrong with it, things I'll think someone else will notice and ultimately find me disgusting or unattractive. It's worse with someone I really care about. I don't want them to see my flaws...at least, my obvious ones...because then I may lose them. It's always in the back of my mind, nagging at me. Weirdly enough, I wouldn't dream of being a size 6 or buying clothes in the Junior's section. I wouldn't be ME if I weren't, as Monica puts it, "voluptuous". I guess it's a double-edged sword.

9. "I do not apologize for the length of this note. You're the one reading it." (...stole that from Kristin)

8. I am sadly obsessed with shoes. If someone gave me $5000, the first thing I would buy is a new, gorgeous, fantastic, expensive, outrageous pair of pumps...four inch heels are like an amazing cup of hot chocolate: warm, loving, and orgasmic. 

7. I loooooovvvvvveee to laugh. I love it more than anything -- I love to open my mouth and let out a hearty, loud, giggly, huge laugh at something that tickles my funny bone. I love the humor in every day things. I find myself constantly noticing things about people walking down the hill on campus, in class, at lunch, in the hall --- things that are innately funny, but no one else seems to see the comic potential. I lay awake at night thinking about things I could describe to other people ABOUT other people. It's kind of lame, really -- especially when I laugh out loud, lost in my own thought, and Monica snorts awake. :)

6. I am not a normal college student in the sense that I hate coffee. I HATE coffee. I don't even like the smell of it. I am a tea person, all the way. Everyone is like "let's have a coffee date" -- I say "okay, but I'll drink tea" :)

5. If my life were a musical, it would be called "Mooks!". It would be dry, witty, CRAZY, energetic, with songs about love, life, stupid people, college, homeworks, and...more love. 

4. My answers are getting shorter because I just realized I still have French homework to do, since I'm most likely not going to class tomorrow due to me feeling like the world is closing in around me --- in a physical sense, that is. I'm sick sick sick.

3. I really like to brush my teeth. I find it calming. I like to stand there, with the water running (not eco-friendly at all), and stare at myself making funny faces in the mirror while I scrub those little things that work so hard all day --- I put them through hell with tea, chocolate, food, ice, gum, straws, etc. If teeth could talk, they'd probably tell me to fuck off. I chew on EVERYTHING. Even the strings to my sweatshirt. It must be an oral fixation from when I smoked for all of 2.5 seconds.

2. I am, yes, proudly and openly bisexual. I had a girlfriend for a while, it didn't work out (high school "relationshits" [haha Kare Bear]). I do lean towards men, for sure --- probably because I get along with them much more than women. It takes a lot for me to like a girl, but I'm open to it of course :) I think people get bicuriosity mixed up with bisexuality because they think being bisexual means you're physically attracted to women --- which is true, but you also need to be able to fall in love, mentally and emotionally, with a woman. A lot of girls are physically attracted and want to experiment, but could never see themselves in a RELATIONSHIP with a woman. That's the difference. 

1. I love to live. I love to grab an opportunity by the horns and run with it until my legs won't hold me anymore. Relationships, friendships, school, not school, family, fun, adventure....I love to embrace it all and hold that most dear

Just thought I'd add some pics for those of you who don't check facebook very often. I know the blog is the place to be -- haha.

On the Flip Side

Can my life ever be UNcomplicated? I'm thinking no. I'm thinking that life is like Playdough...waiting to be molded and twisted into whatever ridiculous thing God (or whoever) wants to make it.
I'm dropping out of school. For sure. I'm done. I'm going to get a job, get my CNA (Certified Nurse's License) during the summer in Salina, and work as a CNA all of next year to see if I like it. If I do, nursing school it is. If I don't, I'll find something else. End of discussion.
Dean and I broke up. It was mostly mutual, although he brought it up. I'm glad he did, though, because I wouldn't have had the guts to. Neither one of us is in a place to be in a relationship. He's trying to leave for three years, who the hell KNOWS what's in store for me. We're like...two feathers way up in the air. I think it's safe to say that it's open ended --- maybe someday, when we've got our feet on the ground, we can try again. He's still my best friend...wouldn't trade that for the world. Nothing between us has changed, as far as feelings are concerned, just....right two people, wrong time. Plus, he pointed out something --- I changed when we started dating. I became way more cautious because I thought if I argued, I'd lose him. Turns out, he likes the challenge. Go figure. Haha....I guess I'll just stick to being me. And you know what else is weird? As soon as we broke up, the huge elephant in the room dissappeared. It had been there since we started dating. This big sign that said "Hey! You're not ready for this!", which I chose to ignore and convinced him to pretend it wasn't there --- but....can't pretend forever. Honestly, I think this is really good...for both of us as individuals. I can focus on myself, he can focus on himself, and we can let our friendship grow even stronger. :) I'm strangely okay with all of it.

That's my life for right now. I'm hella exhausted and my eyes are killing me from crying, but I'm going to read and have quality time with my bed....mmmm....bed.

M