My aunt informed me that I haven't blogged in a while, so she was worried things were wrong. She's not entirely wrong...things are definetly NOT exactly fantastic. I've been pretty positive the last few posts, very optimistic and all that jazz...but...ha...go figure that wouldn't last long.
Here goes nothin' --
I hate school. Not necessarily because it's school but because it's just not what I want to be doing. Not at all. I'm bouncing back and forth between dropping out now or finishing out the semester, but next year I'm definetly going to cosmetology school. Not only will it provide a career, but I like it, it'll give me a background to work in regional theaters in the CREATIVE department (instead of being confined to acting), I can start working on a make-up and hair portfolio for possible auditions and admissions to art schools in the future, annnndddd I can make money while doing it. I know that quitting school isn't exactly what I should be doing, according to everyone ele's standards but....by this point, I'm done doing what people think I SHOULD be doing. If I'm not happy, it's not worth spending the unnecessary time and money to do something I dislike. I find college to be very...redundant. For me, at least. I know it's some people's cup of tea and that's great and I support that, but it's just not my thing. I've never been necessarily "academic" so this all shouldn't come as a suprise. And I know I've been bouncing back and forth between decisions, totally throwing people off about what the hell is going on inside my head. It's funny because I don't even know what's going on inside my head...it's a huge explosion of craziness and unfocused energy. Dean even pointed it out --- especially when I'm driving --- I'm totally unfocused. I don't have a center...the only time I can center myself naturally is when I'm onstage. I calm down and everything is focused on one goal : portraying my character. But when I step off that stage, the chaos floods back in as if the Hoover dam broke in my living room. It all swoops in and makes my mind go a million miles an hour, bringing feelings of guilt, hate, annoyance, brief happiness, ridiculous energy, and out of control thoughts. I don't know which way is up half the time, and it takes me hours to get one task completed...like cleaning my room....god, it's an all-day process, no matter the level of severity.
And then on top of all of that, Dean hasn't heard back about going active duty yet, so I'm very nervous to find out. If he gets the green light, he's going to ask to be deployed -- don't you dare ask me why, because I don't know --- but I'm....I'm trying very hard to be strong and supportive, because I know this is what he wants to do. If I tell him not to go, he won't --- but I can't do that. I love him sooo much, sometimes I can't breath. And it's not that puppy love crap you feel in high school --- we hardly ever hold hands, we don't call each other all the time, we rarely text, and when we're together we spend more time playing Guitar Hero or watching movies (legitimately watching movies...haha) than making out. He knows every little thing about me. He knows all my mannerisms, as I know his. We clash a lot, but it's because we can have an intelligent coversation, disagree, and both make valid points. But we connect...on a level not just as lovers, but as best friends. He is definetly my best friend. So I'm very scared for him to leave, but it's what he wants and we've talked about what will happen when he does and all that. I'm going to take some of his things and keep them while he's gone, he's going to sell the rest or leave it at his mom's. I'll update more later when we know whether he's going or not. If he doesn't go, I think he's going to go full-time for his unit in Topeka. We'll see.
Mom got her new assignment: South Carolina. It's 30 minutes from Charlotte, so she's taking dad and the dog with her, which will be great :). I might spend spring break out there, depending on what's going on.
That's pretty much it for today....I'm reallllly tired and I have to drive to Salina tomorrow....bah.
Goodnight :)
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Liss--forget about it if you think you'll know what you want to do any time in the future. Just roll with it. Give yourself the space to figure it all out. No one is breathing down your neck, we are just curious about knowing where you'll take your life You have a lot of life and energy and passion in you... we are curious to see what you make of it all.
ReplyDeleteFigure a way out to make the craziness dissipate... whether writing or walking or singing or dancing or doing more acting. The crazy energy you have now can be completely motivating or absolutely paralyzing. Its all in how you harness it. I remember. It both is awful and energizing. Most of all you should know that your family is cool with your schizophrenic life plan, and we are just happily waiting by to see how things unfold.
On another note, I can't imagine what it must be like to be in love with someone who might go off to war... on a million different levels. It must tax you politically, emotionally and on every other level. I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best to come of you and Dean's situation.
Hugs, cousin. Love you.