Well, hell.

My aunt informed me that I haven't blogged in a while, so she was worried things were wrong. She's not entirely wrong...things are definetly NOT exactly fantastic. I've been pretty positive the last few posts, very optimistic and all that jazz...but...ha...go figure that wouldn't last long.

Here goes nothin' --

I hate school. Not necessarily because it's school but because it's just not what I want to be doing. Not at all. I'm bouncing back and forth between dropping out now or finishing out the semester, but next year I'm definetly going to cosmetology school. Not only will it provide a career, but I like it, it'll give me a background to work in regional theaters in the CREATIVE department (instead of being confined to acting), I can start working on a make-up and hair portfolio for possible auditions and admissions to art schools in the future, annnndddd I can make money while doing it. I know that quitting school isn't exactly what I should be doing, according to everyone ele's standards but....by this point, I'm done doing what people think I SHOULD be doing. If I'm not happy, it's not worth spending the unnecessary time and money to do something I dislike. I find college to be very...redundant. For me, at least. I know it's some people's cup of tea and that's great and I support that, but it's just not my thing. I've never been necessarily "academic" so this all shouldn't come as a suprise. And I know I've been bouncing back and forth between decisions, totally throwing people off about what the hell is going on inside my head. It's funny because I don't even know what's going on inside my head...it's a huge explosion of craziness and unfocused energy. Dean even pointed it out --- especially when I'm driving --- I'm totally unfocused. I don't have a center...the only time I can center myself naturally is when I'm onstage. I calm down and everything is focused on one goal : portraying my character. But when I step off that stage, the chaos floods back in as if the Hoover dam broke in my living room. It all swoops in and makes my mind go a million miles an hour, bringing feelings of guilt, hate, annoyance, brief happiness, ridiculous energy, and out of control thoughts. I don't know which way is up half the time, and it takes me hours to get one task completed...like cleaning my room....god, it's an all-day process, no matter the level of severity.
And then on top of all of that, Dean hasn't heard back about going active duty yet, so I'm very nervous to find out. If he gets the green light, he's going to ask to be deployed -- don't you dare ask me why, because I don't know --- but I'm....I'm trying very hard to be strong and supportive, because I know this is what he wants to do. If I tell him not to go, he won't --- but I can't do that. I love him sooo much, sometimes I can't breath. And it's not that puppy love crap you feel in high school --- we hardly ever hold hands, we don't call each other all the time, we rarely text, and when we're together we spend more time playing Guitar Hero or watching movies (legitimately watching movies...haha) than making out. He knows every little thing about me. He knows all my mannerisms, as I know his. We clash a lot, but it's because we can have an intelligent coversation, disagree, and both make valid points. But we connect...on a level not just as lovers, but as best friends. He is definetly my best friend. So I'm very scared for him to leave, but it's what he wants and we've talked about what will happen when he does and all that. I'm going to take some of his things and keep them while he's gone, he's going to sell the rest or leave it at his mom's. I'll update more later when we know whether he's going or not. If he doesn't go, I think he's going to go full-time for his unit in Topeka. We'll see.
Mom got her new assignment: South Carolina. It's 30 minutes from Charlotte, so she's taking dad and the dog with her, which will be great :). I might spend spring break out there, depending on what's going on.

That's pretty much it for today....I'm reallllly tired and I have to drive to Salina tomorrow....bah.

Goodnight :)

If you get chilly, here take my sweater

Hard to believe January is almost over, isn't it? The weather reminds me of the hippie sixties...kind of chill and grey, but beautiful at the same time. I was walking down the hill the other day and it just seemed appropriate to be listening to the Beatles. It was also inauguration day, which made John Lennon's Imagine seem even more meaningful. You know, I went through a lot last semester -- got my heart broken, fell apart, completely shut myself away -- but when I look in the mirror, I see someone stronger...wiser, I dare say. I'm not saying I know the way of the world or that I'm the smartest when it comes to decisions, but...I've grown up a lot lately. I've never been quite this happy. Not like my life is some tragic love song, but everything is just...in place. It seems right and I don't doubt any of it. I love the relationship I'm in, he's...the cheese to my macaroni. School is going great -- I chose to stick with my 8am French class. It's pretty logical. I almost like getting up that early every morning. I feel like I'm not wasting the day away by sleeping...bah! My family seems to be getting back on track. I miss them, though. I feel kind of isolated here at school, but I guess that's part of the process. Candy is having baby Caden on February 13th -- I couldn't be more excited. I'll probably go ahead and take charge of Conor so Pop Pop, Nana, and Chris can focus on the new baby and Candy. 

Not much else to write...I'm content. Not fidgety. Not restless. Myself has come home...and I feel more alive than ever.

Hmm...

Well, quite a bit has happened since I posted last. 

I turned 20....go figure, it was a CRAZY birthday spent on stage and with my favorite people - Kare Bear, Monica, Joel, Lauren, Dylan, and Dean. We had a hotel room in KC, got two noise complaints, did a lot of kissing (truth or dare..obviously), told a lot of secrets, and learned a lot about each other. One thing I learned was that my best friend of four years (Dean) has had a thing for me for MOST of that four years....which he proceeded to tell me while the guy I've been kind of seeing (Dylan) was in the other room. In about 2.5 seconds, I went into a daze of confusion and my life got eminently more complicated.  BUT....all is well. Dylan is NOT the guy for me (which I probably knew anyway), and Dean and I are now starting a fresh, real, uncomplicated relationship. He's trying to go active duty in the army, which means he may leave at the end of February...but I'm strong enough. As long as he's safe, I will sleep at night. We don't know where he'll go, but I'm supportive...he's wanted to be a soldier since he was a little kid. It's his dream to serve, who am I to say no? 

First day of classes was today...I slept through my french class, e-mailed my teacher, trying to get a different time for that class...8am is just too much for this little one. Lots and lots of dumbass athletes in my African American Studies class....all very groggy, and with very rude comments since our teacher is....(go figure)...caucasian. Oh, it'll be an interesting semester in there if one of them cross me.  Women's studies sounds awesome....about sexuality and gender and all...the teacher is hil-arious. Love her. I have band next at 4....Dr. Stidham already cracks me up (we've been e-mailing -- he's best friends with my band teacher from high school...haha). 

Wish me luck these next couple of weeks....

Oh yeah, I'm switching my major to Film....I want to be a voice over person (character voices, cartoon characters, commercials, etc!). I've wanted to do it for a long time, so I"m taking the plunge. :)

Love you all

Observations

Two posts in less than 24 hours, I know....nutty as you can get. However --

Due to this damned stomach flu, tonight was the only night I could go out with friends since I got home Tuesday evening. So my best friend Manda and I decided to get into comfy, comfy sweats, go suprise John, and go Wal-Mart stalking (side note: in Lawrence, we don't Wal-Mart stalk because there is actually stuff to DO in Lawrence...besides...stalk Wal-Mart. However, in Salina...there...is...not.)  So I take a shower (much needed), throw on sweat pants, a t-shirt, Vans, and a jacket and drive up to Manda's to pick her up. I got there, greeted the parentals as usual ("hey mom, hey dad, happy new year, we'll be good, no drugs sex and rock and roll" etc), and we hopped, skipped, and booty bumped out the door. The thing I love about Amanda is that we could be away from each other for months, meet up and it be like we never even left. You know? Aubrey is the same way, but I really cherish those friends. We get in the car, total giggle bots, and drive down the hill to John's house. Knock on the door, he answers, and I scream/say "BAAAABBBYYY!!!" --- and that was the end of that. Hey family (mom, dad, Sam -- and, to our pleasant suprise, Grandma Shirley's dog Sasha), c'mon John get dressed, "I am dressed" says John, "oh" giggles says us, "eat cookies" says mom, we eat cookies. As I'm standing there in the kitchen, (as is the norm in the Neff household), I'm kind of looking at Amanda and John and thinking "Wow....I have amazing friends." John even postponed plans with his girlfriend to just hang out with me. So we drove, no where in particular, and ended up at Wal-Mart. Definetly a safe, warm place with toys and games galore we can screw up and try to get kicked out. Which is exactly what we did, failing miserably. We even opened a thing of Gack and still no one noticed. Dissappointing, for sure. One clerk HELPED us and WATCHED us mess with this skateboard type thingy....it was damn near ridiculous. John, being his pessimistic, tired self kept telling us we were going to kill ourselves, so I squished his face and told him not to be a grumpy pants, that if we kill ourselves he can pick up the pieces and tell us he told us so. That appeased him for a while, getting a one syllable John laugh. We made our way to the car stereos, the guns, and then eventually to our afore-mentioned bench where we kind of lingered, talking about life, school, high school (ew), and these very horridly dressed girls who kept walking by, as if to get John's attention. It was  ridiculous. One in particular was obviously in denial about her size because every single article of clothing she had one was one or two sizes too SMALL.  It was one of those situations where you know you shouldn't look, but you just can't help looking and you have to think about it and contemplate what made her make the decision to WEAR that out in public and made you wonder if she raided her little sister's closet. On top of it, she had platinum blonde hair (obviously dyed) with a terribly red fake tan. Hello! Like we're not going to know it's fake...it's January. Duh. I found myself thinking "Holy God. I hope I didn't look like THAT in high school." I know that in high school, my fashion sense was waaayyy lacking, due to the face that I could have cared less---but since then, I've kind of found my niche and realized that people aren't looking at whether you're matching or not, they're looking at whether you are confident in what you're wearing....that determines whether you can pull it off or not. My friend Marilyn is the prime example. I've seen that girl wear a black tutu-type skirt, black tights with a hole in the knee, brown knee-high suede boots, a grey sweater, and a red peacoat and look absolutely fabulous because you KNOW she's loving what she's wearing. Monica sometimes says "Mar looks like a hooker from the '80's...but she pulls it off." I told John this earlier -- when you get to college, you realize the things you thought mattered, don't. What you wear, what you eat, how you put your hair up --- no one gives a crap. There are more people walking around campus in mismatching sweats, tennis shoes, baseball caps, no make-up, hair on top of their head, with random colored gloves or scarves or jackets or whatnot than I've ever seen. In high school, it's all about a small waist, tight fitting clothes, low-rise jeans, cleavage, straight hair, and make-up that makes you look five years older. I wish people would get a clue and realize that no one will care in ten years if you owned a pair of Lucky jeans your sophmore year in high school...or whether you had a Blackberry or a Razor...or whether you had blonde highlights (because everyone else did), or if you had natural color....or if you wore red to prom...or whether you were captain of the football team or a benchpress....no one will care. Hell, hardly anyone cares now. Unless you get scholarship for sports, no one will tie anything you do to high school. Sure, the drama never ends, but....high school does. I'm not the same person I was. I'm not the loud, annoying, brash, mean, no-nonsense girl I was. Well....I'm still no-nonsense, but I grew up. Petty things....not important. 

Hmm...I'm not really sure where I was going with this blog, but it might be the most honest one I've written yet. 

Laaaaaammmmee.

Okay, so I'm officially going to be twenty years old in....nine days. What am I doing for my birthday, you ask? I have a show....ha! Go figure. Did I do anything for New Years? Yes. I layed on my couch with gatorade, my dog, and my parents watching random tv because I had the stomach flu. Did I do anything spectacular for Christmas? Oh yes. Spent it in a hotel room in a city I don't even like because my mom was on call. Will I be doing anything for Valentines day? OF COURSE NOT. Why, you ask? Because I'm SINGLE. And it looks like I'll be that way for quite some time. I mean...there was Dylan....who has a personal problem which would make him pretty much inept at having any sort of a good relationship for at LEAST a couple of months. So...I'm stuck. Again. I kind of give up -- can't we just skip ahead to, say, MARCH? Monica and I are making a much-needed road trip to Atlanta over spring break. It's not my first choice of someplace to go, but she really wants to and I suppose it would be an okay opportunity to meet my brothers. 

On that note, I do have a show in a week....Cosi Fan Tutte...or, at least, the finale from the opera. It'll be really good, I'm super nervous, and I'm sure I'll mess up at some point. HOPEFULLY not the same place I've been messing up. Stupid Italian words are driving me UP THE DAMN WALL. *sigh*

I've mad a notation. Er, a realization, if you will. --- I only write in this thing when I'm frustrated, annoyed, angry, etc. Probably because that's the only time I find any inspiration to write....when I need to get something off of my chest. I'm sure it's fantastically lovely for you all to read, but I hope I make it sarcastic enough to get some laughs out of you. Maybe. Hopefully. Godspeed.

I'm sitting on my couch, in my living room, at my house, looking into the kitchen at the window above the sink and I notice a spider web in between the glass and the storm window. I swear that same spider web has been there for as long as I can remember. I see it every single time the sun shines in that window. It's in no particular order, no particular design....but it's just....there. Shining for the world to see, making our windows look dirtier than the usual filth. Doesn't help it's against the blue background of the garage. Such a strangely built house, this is. So many doors, so many walls, no backyard, white trim, brown porch, glued shut mail slot, and stainglass  picture windows. Whoever designed this place couldn't make up their mind about what they were going for. Mom says I picked this place, but I disagree. I said it was okay, but I wasn't in love with it. Oh well....six years later, it's too late to complain. I can't wait for them to move, though. It will be easier on everyone I think. 

Anyways, I'm about to hop in the shower for a night of photoshoots with Manda. We're either getting cute and taking pictures, or putting on sweats and taking pictures...either way...it'll be wicked fun. Then tomorrow, back to Lawrence, back to loneliness, and back to rehearsal.