Thursday, July 15, 2010
Family Feud
Wait....isn't that a game show? Oh well. Hell hath broken loose and per usual, no one is talking about it. I know that a few people involved in this awesomeness, even passively, read this blog. But I'm not going to NOT write about it to save feelings. Unlike most of my family, I like to talk about things. When I'm mad as hell, I'll let you know. Not saying I'm perfect, because I basically suck at life. But my mouth running away from me is one bad habit I'm not willing to break.
My aunt Ruby died the other day. From cancer. She's been fighting it for a long time and we've been basically prepared for the worst. When I say "we" I mean my little family. HER family apparently JUST realized it was really serious....like.....when she died. My sister said everyone is devestated and shocked and can't believe it and my mind is saying "uhm...does someone not realize the meaning of CANCER?" --- apparently not. Which is fine. Whatever. Now, are we going to the funeral on Saturday? No. No we are not. Because when you screw your credit over, you can't have a credit card (mom). When you can't have a credit card, you have to beg other people (grandma::kathy). When such people don't call you BACK, for whatever reason....even if to just say "hey...I don't wanna help you"...you get one more sleepless night, a shit ton of guilt, and a whole lotta crazy. So here I am. In a house with more crazy than usual...and I've already gotten out of school tomorrow and Saturday (even though I will be suspended for three days) so that I could go with my dad...who...apparently is not going. So I'm going to be suspended....for no reason. AWESOME. More than likely, the whole reason for not calling mom back probably has something to do with a conversation dad had with Kim expressing his strong feelings against them moving two black kids to BFE racist Evergreen. Mind you, he used MY phone in this dealing so I'm sure she believes I feel the same way...which...to an extent...I do. Granted, I have no idea how long they plan on living in the mountains. But...if they end up staying up there, it'll be a whole lotta hell for those kids. I know what it's like...to be...excluded because of what color one or even both of my parents were. Kids are vicious and their parents are worse. Black kids in Evergreen? Fail. Black kids with white parents in Evergreen? Double fail. Black kids with white parents and one is a DOCTOR?? Well. Time to transfer schools, everybody. Regardless, they can be mad as hell at dad or me or mom or whatever. Egg shells were never my style. They'll do what they want and that's all cool and good. But...everyone and their dog has expressed their opinions on my life on multiple occasions...even conversing behind my back about how I was apparently doing drugs, drinking, and having sex with everything that moved (only one of which was true) and THEN calling me on it. I think it's my turn. In one ear, out the other.
Needless to say, this family...from bad credit to non-communication to walking on egg shells to expressing opinions to NOT expressing opinions...is one hot damn mess. I love everyone so much, but if you aren't a little exhausted in this family, you must not be paying attention.
p.s. I also stared at this post trying really hard to decide whether or not I should post it...since it's a little....well....whatever, I'm gonna do it because if you want to be mad, be mad. I'm okay with that. But get over it. It's just an opinion.
My aunt Ruby died the other day. From cancer. She's been fighting it for a long time and we've been basically prepared for the worst. When I say "we" I mean my little family. HER family apparently JUST realized it was really serious....like.....when she died. My sister said everyone is devestated and shocked and can't believe it and my mind is saying "uhm...does someone not realize the meaning of CANCER?" --- apparently not. Which is fine. Whatever. Now, are we going to the funeral on Saturday? No. No we are not. Because when you screw your credit over, you can't have a credit card (mom). When you can't have a credit card, you have to beg other people (grandma::kathy). When such people don't call you BACK, for whatever reason....even if to just say "hey...I don't wanna help you"...you get one more sleepless night, a shit ton of guilt, and a whole lotta crazy. So here I am. In a house with more crazy than usual...and I've already gotten out of school tomorrow and Saturday (even though I will be suspended for three days) so that I could go with my dad...who...apparently is not going. So I'm going to be suspended....for no reason. AWESOME. More than likely, the whole reason for not calling mom back probably has something to do with a conversation dad had with Kim expressing his strong feelings against them moving two black kids to BFE racist Evergreen. Mind you, he used MY phone in this dealing so I'm sure she believes I feel the same way...which...to an extent...I do. Granted, I have no idea how long they plan on living in the mountains. But...if they end up staying up there, it'll be a whole lotta hell for those kids. I know what it's like...to be...excluded because of what color one or even both of my parents were. Kids are vicious and their parents are worse. Black kids in Evergreen? Fail. Black kids with white parents in Evergreen? Double fail. Black kids with white parents and one is a DOCTOR?? Well. Time to transfer schools, everybody. Regardless, they can be mad as hell at dad or me or mom or whatever. Egg shells were never my style. They'll do what they want and that's all cool and good. But...everyone and their dog has expressed their opinions on my life on multiple occasions...even conversing behind my back about how I was apparently doing drugs, drinking, and having sex with everything that moved (only one of which was true) and THEN calling me on it. I think it's my turn. In one ear, out the other.
Needless to say, this family...from bad credit to non-communication to walking on egg shells to expressing opinions to NOT expressing opinions...is one hot damn mess. I love everyone so much, but if you aren't a little exhausted in this family, you must not be paying attention.
p.s. I also stared at this post trying really hard to decide whether or not I should post it...since it's a little....well....whatever, I'm gonna do it because if you want to be mad, be mad. I'm okay with that. But get over it. It's just an opinion.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Bring the Rain!
Just a quickie update...because if I don't get my cute butt out of bed and start helping my mother soon, she's going to have a hernia.
I have no idea whether I'm single or not right now. It's a terrible feeling. But all will be figured out tonight.
Xtina and I had a fabo reunion for two hours in the Applebee's parking lot and I've discovered that I have the amazing ability to make her laugh so hard she pees...for real. Bahaha
We found a SUPER CUTE apt in Wichita...Kendra and I put the deposit down on Tuesday :))) Pictures will follow as soon as we start moving things in.
It's almost July and I haven't set foot in chlorine yet which makes me terribly sad.
Dad is doing great and should be coming home Monday-ish :) Had lots of visitors...Gram&Kath, Nancy&Robert, Jeanie, Will&Sharon...
Our poor doggie Charlie got mauled by a freakin' malamute yesterday, apparently. Mom took him to the dog park and they always let in a few shelter dogs (since the dog park is behind the shelter). She looked up to where Charlie was and this horse of a dog had Charlie in his mouth and picked up off of the ground. It took four people to get the dog to let go and two of them were bitten in the process. Mom has no voice from screaming and my poor puppy dog is lethargic with gashes on his sides. The vet said they were superficial and should heal on their own, but he gave him pain meds and antibiotics and the shelter paid the vet bill. TRAUMATIC.
My hair is black again :) Thank Allah.
I'm going to Dallas over my "summer break" around the 7th of July and trying out for AMDA on the 10th....Staying with my best friend Carissa who just moved down there with her husband. So excited to have a semi-vacation!!! Then, of course, trekking BACK to Texas for the reunion! Word up, love my family :)A LOT has changed in two years....two years ago I was about to head off to KU, dating Jordan, a brunette, and about 15 lbs heavier...oh, and I had no fashion sense to save my life.
Possibly going to California for the first time in November for Kristin's wedding! Gotta see how much moneys I can get from financial aid, but I'm crossing my fingers!
Monica wants to go to Puerto Rico for spring break next year....I'm totally down for that :) Hopefully I will have a kickass job in Denver, KC, or Dallas by then. :))
I know that some of you read my blog and get worried....but don't worry TOO much...I usually only write when I'm upset...which isn't too terribly often. I just have nothing to say when I'm happy because..well...I'm happy :)
oxoxoxoxo
"Dressed head to toe in Love...the only label that never goes out of style." - Sex in the City
I have no idea whether I'm single or not right now. It's a terrible feeling. But all will be figured out tonight.
Xtina and I had a fabo reunion for two hours in the Applebee's parking lot and I've discovered that I have the amazing ability to make her laugh so hard she pees...for real. Bahaha
We found a SUPER CUTE apt in Wichita...Kendra and I put the deposit down on Tuesday :))) Pictures will follow as soon as we start moving things in.
It's almost July and I haven't set foot in chlorine yet which makes me terribly sad.
Dad is doing great and should be coming home Monday-ish :) Had lots of visitors...Gram&Kath, Nancy&Robert, Jeanie, Will&Sharon...
Our poor doggie Charlie got mauled by a freakin' malamute yesterday, apparently. Mom took him to the dog park and they always let in a few shelter dogs (since the dog park is behind the shelter). She looked up to where Charlie was and this horse of a dog had Charlie in his mouth and picked up off of the ground. It took four people to get the dog to let go and two of them were bitten in the process. Mom has no voice from screaming and my poor puppy dog is lethargic with gashes on his sides. The vet said they were superficial and should heal on their own, but he gave him pain meds and antibiotics and the shelter paid the vet bill. TRAUMATIC.
My hair is black again :) Thank Allah.
I'm going to Dallas over my "summer break" around the 7th of July and trying out for AMDA on the 10th....Staying with my best friend Carissa who just moved down there with her husband. So excited to have a semi-vacation!!! Then, of course, trekking BACK to Texas for the reunion! Word up, love my family :)A LOT has changed in two years....two years ago I was about to head off to KU, dating Jordan, a brunette, and about 15 lbs heavier...oh, and I had no fashion sense to save my life.
Possibly going to California for the first time in November for Kristin's wedding! Gotta see how much moneys I can get from financial aid, but I'm crossing my fingers!
Monica wants to go to Puerto Rico for spring break next year....I'm totally down for that :) Hopefully I will have a kickass job in Denver, KC, or Dallas by then. :))
I know that some of you read my blog and get worried....but don't worry TOO much...I usually only write when I'm upset...which isn't too terribly often. I just have nothing to say when I'm happy because..well...I'm happy :)
oxoxoxoxo
"Dressed head to toe in Love...the only label that never goes out of style." - Sex in the City
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Kay. This is ridic.
The lack of stability in my life is now effecting my relationships with people. I don't feel like I can commit to a relationship that I KNOW I want because I feel like one stable thing in my life with throw off the balance of the overall instability which will just piss me off and make me yearn for stability even more. I have NO idea if that made any sense anywhere else besides inside my own brain, but run with it. I don't feel like I'm in one place, so I'm struggling with being with one person. I feel like...I feel like my own world has been thrown up in the air, scattered in the wind, and I'm trying to find all the small crappy pieces so I can put back together some semblance of sanity. It's so overwhelming when I stop and think about how much I drive, how much I cry, how angry I am all of the time. It's so infuriating. Especially since I have basically a zilch relationship with my mother at this point. I know that me not being completely and utterly in love with school stresses her out on top of her mother being sick and on top of her blatant irresponsibility with finances. But...I can't talk to her about a simple subject because she shuts down and freaks out and acts like the whole world is ending because dad or I asked a simple question. So I just don't talk anymore. She asks me questions, but I know she doesn't want the answer nor will she remember what I said the next day anyway (mostly because she's half listening, half wallowing).
Ugh. I'm tired. Goodnight.
Ugh. I'm tired. Goodnight.
Monday, May 24, 2010
6 A.M. on a Saturday Morning...I'm sorry, what?
Listen. Ima bout to lose my cookies. Lemme just tell you WHY I am crazy at the moment. Oh, and let me remind you that my problems probably seem pretty fickle in comparison to other people's...HOWEVER....to me, they're a huge freaking deal. And I could look at it from someone else's perspective, but what can I say...I'm selfish as hell and at this point in my life, I'm number one. SO.
1. My parents...ask endless questions. My dad is great...when he's not ASSUMING he knows everything about me. And my mom is great...when she's not ISOLATING her life because she's so stressed and she can't handle her own reality. But living with them...breathing them...dealing with their bullshit...was all part of the deal when mom said I could go to school. HOWEVER...the fact that I HATE coming home and HATE seeing them every day and would much rather drop out of school, leave everything behind, and move somewhere completely random and just start over...was not in the plan. If I didn't feel so obligated and loyal (being loyal is a complete double edged sword, by the way) I'd probably drop out and move...just move. I don't know where. Anywhere..and just start over on my terms.
2. School...is a bitch. I'm half way done and I'm ready to kill EVERYONE. When I leave that Godforsaken place, I don't want to think about hair...I don't want to talk about hair...I couldn't care LESS about making people beautiful. Wanna color your hair with $2 box color and throw it up in a pony tail every day? Be my guest. Wanna use Wal-Mart products instead of paying out the ass at the salon? Be my guest. Wanna bleach out your hair even though you KNOW it might fall out? BE MY GUEST.
3. My love life is a disaster...but some of my friends read this blog and it's not something I want all out there, so if you wanna ask...text me or something. I have a phone and I use it.
4. I miss Kansas City like NO OTHER. Wichita BLOWS BALLS.
5. I MISS SINGING. There is no amount of money that could replace singing....I miss performing and being on stage and being a part of something bigger than me. I miss the Studio and all of my friends who were so talented and we all treated each other like family. I miss that SO very much and it's really killed my self-esteem, my heart, and basically made me feel heart broken. Which may sound melodramatic to someone who doesn't understand, but think about something that you can't imagine living without....and think about not being able to do that thing anymore. Then you'll get it.
6. I feel like my mother and I have hardly any relationship right now. I know that's probably partly my fault, but she's never home and when she is she's so stressed that I can't even talk to her because anything I say makes her upset. So I just give up.
K. I think that's it. I'm ready to go pass out now and try to survive one more day.
1. My parents...ask endless questions. My dad is great...when he's not ASSUMING he knows everything about me. And my mom is great...when she's not ISOLATING her life because she's so stressed and she can't handle her own reality. But living with them...breathing them...dealing with their bullshit...was all part of the deal when mom said I could go to school. HOWEVER...the fact that I HATE coming home and HATE seeing them every day and would much rather drop out of school, leave everything behind, and move somewhere completely random and just start over...was not in the plan. If I didn't feel so obligated and loyal (being loyal is a complete double edged sword, by the way) I'd probably drop out and move...just move. I don't know where. Anywhere..and just start over on my terms.
2. School...is a bitch. I'm half way done and I'm ready to kill EVERYONE. When I leave that Godforsaken place, I don't want to think about hair...I don't want to talk about hair...I couldn't care LESS about making people beautiful. Wanna color your hair with $2 box color and throw it up in a pony tail every day? Be my guest. Wanna use Wal-Mart products instead of paying out the ass at the salon? Be my guest. Wanna bleach out your hair even though you KNOW it might fall out? BE MY GUEST.
3. My love life is a disaster...but some of my friends read this blog and it's not something I want all out there, so if you wanna ask...text me or something. I have a phone and I use it.
4. I miss Kansas City like NO OTHER. Wichita BLOWS BALLS.
5. I MISS SINGING. There is no amount of money that could replace singing....I miss performing and being on stage and being a part of something bigger than me. I miss the Studio and all of my friends who were so talented and we all treated each other like family. I miss that SO very much and it's really killed my self-esteem, my heart, and basically made me feel heart broken. Which may sound melodramatic to someone who doesn't understand, but think about something that you can't imagine living without....and think about not being able to do that thing anymore. Then you'll get it.
6. I feel like my mother and I have hardly any relationship right now. I know that's probably partly my fault, but she's never home and when she is she's so stressed that I can't even talk to her because anything I say makes her upset. So I just give up.
K. I think that's it. I'm ready to go pass out now and try to survive one more day.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Listen, America.
This...is childish. My mother whines about how we don't spend enough time together since we're all over the place HOWEVER when I AM home, she goes upstairs, isolates herself, and reads. READS!! Someone explain that to me. I'd truly appreciate it.
Oh and while I'm on a subject...(any subject)...I hate, hate, hate when people ask me if I like school. Of course, I put on a smile and say something dorky like "oh I love it! Eric is always here...the teachers are always here...they're great! We learn so much! I can't wait to get out in the world! I love it!" ---- What I WANT to say is "Oh you mean do I like getting up at the butt crack of dawn and slaving away within four SEAFOAM GREEN walls? Suuuuuure! Why wouldn't I! Do I love working my ass off for MAYBE tips? Of couuuurrrse! What about the early morning phone calls from Erin when you're late? Awesome. Oh...and don't let me forget how I get to spend my whole summer inside. Fucking LOVE that! And of course...of COURSE...I'm in love with the fact that I'm getting bunions from standing all day in flats or heels because we have to look so fucking cute every day. Do I love school, you ask? OF COURSE, you stupid banche." === Of course this usually only applies to clients...HOWEVER...maybe it's just because I dont' like talking about school because I'm always AT school. Ugh. I feel like I live there.
REGARDLESS...this blogging thing is so overrated. But Ima try to do better.
Kthanksloveyoubye.
Oh and while I'm on a subject...(any subject)...I hate, hate, hate when people ask me if I like school. Of course, I put on a smile and say something dorky like "oh I love it! Eric is always here...the teachers are always here...they're great! We learn so much! I can't wait to get out in the world! I love it!" ---- What I WANT to say is "Oh you mean do I like getting up at the butt crack of dawn and slaving away within four SEAFOAM GREEN walls? Suuuuuure! Why wouldn't I! Do I love working my ass off for MAYBE tips? Of couuuurrrse! What about the early morning phone calls from Erin when you're late? Awesome. Oh...and don't let me forget how I get to spend my whole summer inside. Fucking LOVE that! And of course...of COURSE...I'm in love with the fact that I'm getting bunions from standing all day in flats or heels because we have to look so fucking cute every day. Do I love school, you ask? OF COURSE, you stupid banche." === Of course this usually only applies to clients...HOWEVER...maybe it's just because I dont' like talking about school because I'm always AT school. Ugh. I feel like I live there.
REGARDLESS...this blogging thing is so overrated. But Ima try to do better.
Kthanksloveyoubye.
Monday, March 29, 2010
What the hell.
Okay. So. I need some stability somewhere in my life right now. This whole living between Wichita and Salina thing is NOT working out because now I'm starting to cry over stupid little things....hmm...I was reading about the Orangutan that turned 50 years old at the Phoenix zoo and I cried. What the hell. I cried over a cute couple from my studio going to prom together...cuuuute...but not tears worthy..however..I balled like a baby. WHAT THE HELL. I want to live in one place. I do NOT want to be driving all over HELL AND GONE anymore. Maybe that works for my mom, but it's NOT working for me. Nor my car. It's starting to rebel against me. Oh...and I'm starting to not want to go to school because I don't want to DRIVE....again, I say, WHAT THE HELL.
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