Kay. This is ridic.

The lack of stability in my life is now effecting my relationships with people. I don't feel like I can commit to a relationship that I KNOW I want because I feel like one stable thing in my life with throw off the balance of the overall instability which will just piss me off and make me yearn for stability even more. I have NO idea if that made any sense anywhere else besides inside my own brain, but run with it. I don't feel like I'm in one place, so I'm struggling with being with one person. I feel like...I feel like my own world has been thrown up in the air, scattered in the wind, and I'm trying to find all the small crappy pieces so I can put back together some semblance of sanity. It's so overwhelming when I stop and think about how much I drive, how much I cry, how angry I am all of the time. It's so infuriating. Especially since I have basically a zilch relationship with my mother at this point. I know that me not being completely and utterly in love with school stresses her out on top of her mother being sick and on top of her blatant irresponsibility with finances. But...I can't talk to her about a simple subject because she shuts down and freaks out and acts like the whole world is ending because dad or I asked a simple question. So I just don't talk anymore. She asks me questions, but I know she doesn't want the answer nor will she remember what I said the next day anyway (mostly because she's half listening, half wallowing).
Ugh. I'm tired. Goodnight.

6 A.M. on a Saturday Morning...I'm sorry, what?

Listen. Ima bout to lose my cookies. Lemme just tell you WHY I am crazy at the moment. Oh, and let me remind you that my problems probably seem pretty fickle in comparison to other people's...HOWEVER....to me, they're a huge freaking deal. And I could look at it from someone else's perspective, but what can I say...I'm selfish as hell and at this point in my life, I'm number one. SO.

1. My parents...ask endless questions. My dad is great...when he's not ASSUMING he knows everything about me. And my mom is great...when she's not ISOLATING her life because she's so stressed and she can't handle her own reality. But living with them...breathing them...dealing with their bullshit...was all part of the deal when mom said I could go to school. HOWEVER...the fact that I HATE coming home and HATE seeing them every day and would much rather drop out of school, leave everything behind, and move somewhere completely random and just start over...was not in the plan. If I didn't feel so obligated and loyal (being loyal is a complete double edged sword, by the way) I'd probably drop out and move...just move. I don't know where. Anywhere..and just start over on my terms.

2. School...is a bitch. I'm half way done and I'm ready to kill EVERYONE. When I leave that Godforsaken place, I don't want to think about hair...I don't want to talk about hair...I couldn't care LESS about making people beautiful. Wanna color your hair with $2 box color and throw it up in a pony tail every day? Be my guest. Wanna use Wal-Mart products instead of paying out the ass at the salon? Be my guest. Wanna bleach out your hair even though you KNOW it might fall out? BE MY GUEST.

3. My love life is a disaster...but some of my friends read this blog and it's not something I want all out there, so if you wanna ask...text me or something. I have a phone and I use it.

4. I miss Kansas City like NO OTHER. Wichita BLOWS BALLS.

5. I MISS SINGING. There is no amount of money that could replace singing....I miss performing and being on stage and being a part of something bigger than me. I miss the Studio and all of my friends who were so talented and we all treated each other like family. I miss that SO very much and it's really killed my self-esteem, my heart, and basically made me feel heart broken. Which may sound melodramatic to someone who doesn't understand, but think about something that you can't imagine living without....and think about not being able to do that thing anymore. Then you'll get it.

6. I feel like my mother and I have hardly any relationship right now. I know that's probably partly my fault, but she's never home and when she is she's so stressed that I can't even talk to her because anything I say makes her upset. So I just give up.

K. I think that's it. I'm ready to go pass out now and try to survive one more day.

Listen, America.

This...is childish. My mother whines about how we don't spend enough time together since we're all over the place HOWEVER when I AM home, she goes upstairs, isolates herself, and reads. READS!! Someone explain that to me. I'd truly appreciate it.
Oh and while I'm on a subject...(any subject)...I hate, hate, hate when people ask me if I like school. Of course, I put on a smile and say something dorky like "oh I love it! Eric is always here...the teachers are always here...they're great! We learn so much! I can't wait to get out in the world! I love it!" ---- What I WANT to say is "Oh you mean do I like getting up at the butt crack of dawn and slaving away within four SEAFOAM GREEN walls? Suuuuuure! Why wouldn't I! Do I love working my ass off for MAYBE tips? Of couuuurrrse! What about the early morning phone calls from Erin when you're late? Awesome. Oh...and don't let me forget how I get to spend my whole summer inside. Fucking LOVE that! And of course...of COURSE...I'm in love with the fact that I'm getting bunions from standing all day in flats or heels because we have to look so fucking cute every day. Do I love school, you ask? OF COURSE, you stupid banche." === Of course this usually only applies to clients...HOWEVER...maybe it's just because I dont' like talking about school because I'm always AT school. Ugh. I feel like I live there.
REGARDLESS...this blogging thing is so overrated. But Ima try to do better.

Kthanksloveyoubye.

What the hell.

Okay. So. I need some stability somewhere in my life right now. This whole living between Wichita and Salina thing is NOT working out because now I'm starting to cry over stupid little things....hmm...I was reading about the Orangutan that turned 50 years old at the Phoenix zoo and I cried. What the hell. I cried over a cute couple from my studio going to prom together...cuuuute...but not tears worthy..however..I balled like a baby. WHAT THE HELL. I want to live in one place. I do NOT want to be driving all over HELL AND GONE anymore. Maybe that works for my mom, but it's NOT working for me. Nor my car. It's starting to rebel against me. Oh...and I'm starting to not want to go to school because I don't want to DRIVE....again, I say, WHAT THE HELL.

Why Didn't God Make Me Gay?

I asked myself that question the other day as I drooled over Adam Lambert's new music video for the song FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT. But then again, if I were gay my life would be even MORE complicated than it already is and honestly, I'm not sure if I could handle the craziness.
Speaking of craziness, I had my first Saturday on the floor. I did a manicure and a pedicure and a hair cut. I kind of rocked the hair cut....of course. The mani and the pedi were easy peasy.
I've noticed...through trial and error and the fault of mine that I need stability. I've always thought of myself as kind of a free spirit, but lately...as I've grown up and kind of figured out who I am, I've noticed that the lack of stability...of consistancy...of a plan...has a profound effect on me physically and psychologically. I get physically sick to my stomach and sweaty and nervous when I am unsure of where I stand in a particular situation. I get extremely irritable and depressed and cry when something doesn't go according to plan. It's really kind of a hinderance to me, personally, because I've always kind of catered to my friends and made them a priority but I'm noticing that it's time I'M a priority. I need to do me before I can do them, and if they want me to put them on a pedestal, it's about damn time they do the same for me and go out of THEIR way to help me out. I'm just sick of being walked all over, I suppose.
But I can blog about it all I want, it won't change a damn thing. I need to get assertive and tell people what I think and how I want things to be...I'm terrible at that unless it's someone I know will be there unconditionally. I guess I'm ultimately very scared of losing people or ending relationships because of my own seemingly petty wants or needs. You know? Maybe that sounds stupid, but...I cater to people so that they will develop a sort of need for me. So that without me, they're somewhat lost. Manipulation of my relationships with people to keep them in the positive is sort of a talent. A talent that is taking a serious toll on my insecurity. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. Who knows. I'm done ranting now.

Quick & Easy...like my eggs.

I hate mornings.
I have a strange need for breakfast food...at...breakfast. A novel idea.
I think I may be falling in some serious like, but don't tell anyone.
Keys get lost so that God can have a quick chuckle in the morning.
I would rather be in Denver playing with my new, beautiful, Haitian cousins...and of COURSE be able to see Kim & Pat with my own eyes.
EFA is taking over my life...and I'm comfortable with that.

LOVE LOVE.

"Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important."

Some Men Can't Handle the Regalness of an Up-Do!

^^^^^^ The first one (the dark brown one) was the one that won 3rd place...took me about an hour (mostly because I had planned in my mind didn't work out the way I wanted so I had to tweak it...grrr). The second one (the light brown one) got 1st place...took me about 30 minutes (and I was madly in love with it.)

So. I'm a beast. We did up-do's today...and I was amazing. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but beep...beep. We had an up-do challenge and we had to do an up-do and have it judged by the entire school, students && faculty. They voted on ballots and then our teacher counted them and told us who won. Some of us entered two, because we had the time and we wanted to, so there ended up being 12 mannequins being judged (there's only 7 in our class). I got 1st place AND 3rd place :)) Thought I'd post some pics. I'm thinking of putting up a website and advertising myself for weddings and prom for cheap, cheaper than would be in a real salon and I'd come to them, instead of them having to go somewhere else...good idea? Feedback is always welcome :))