Listen. Ima bout to lose my cookies. Lemme just tell you WHY I am crazy at the moment. Oh, and let me remind you that my problems probably seem pretty fickle in comparison to other people's...HOWEVER....to me, they're a huge freaking deal. And I could look at it from someone else's perspective, but what can I say...I'm selfish as hell and at this point in my life, I'm number one. SO.
1. My parents...ask endless questions. My dad is great...when he's not ASSUMING he knows everything about me. And my mom is great...when she's not ISOLATING her life because she's so stressed and she can't handle her own reality. But living with them...breathing them...dealing with their bullshit...was all part of the deal when mom said I could go to school. HOWEVER...the fact that I HATE coming home and HATE seeing them every day and would much rather drop out of school, leave everything behind, and move somewhere completely random and just start over...was not in the plan. If I didn't feel so obligated and loyal (being loyal is a complete double edged sword, by the way) I'd probably drop out and move...just move. I don't know where. Anywhere..and just start over on my terms.
2. School...is a bitch. I'm half way done and I'm ready to kill EVERYONE. When I leave that Godforsaken place, I don't want to think about hair...I don't want to talk about hair...I couldn't care LESS about making people beautiful. Wanna color your hair with $2 box color and throw it up in a pony tail every day? Be my guest. Wanna use Wal-Mart products instead of paying out the ass at the salon? Be my guest. Wanna bleach out your hair even though you KNOW it might fall out? BE MY GUEST.
3. My love life is a disaster...but some of my friends read this blog and it's not something I want all out there, so if you wanna ask...text me or something. I have a phone and I use it.
4. I miss Kansas City like NO OTHER. Wichita BLOWS BALLS.
5. I MISS SINGING. There is no amount of money that could replace singing....I miss performing and being on stage and being a part of something bigger than me. I miss the Studio and all of my friends who were so talented and we all treated each other like family. I miss that SO very much and it's really killed my self-esteem, my heart, and basically made me feel heart broken. Which may sound melodramatic to someone who doesn't understand, but think about something that you can't imagine living without....and think about not being able to do that thing anymore. Then you'll get it.
6. I feel like my mother and I have hardly any relationship right now. I know that's probably partly my fault, but she's never home and when she is she's so stressed that I can't even talk to her because anything I say makes her upset. So I just give up.
K. I think that's it. I'm ready to go pass out now and try to survive one more day.
Monday, May 24, 2010
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